freedom of speech

I’ve decided. To tell him how I feel. The thing is, I’m totally depressed working in this unreasonable lab. I needed to do this because I’ve been lost for quite sometimes wondering why I am being enslaved and oppressed while I merely came for education. I have been complaining a lot as I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when I see my friends and talk to my family. I am like the negativity magnet that only attracts negative stuff. Living a life which is not even a life keeps hitting me like the unexpected tsunami that drowns my brain. Every day I feel like I’m one step nearer to mental break down as the stress is bursting into my bloodstream.
I spoke finally. I decided to fight for the freedom of speech. Nobody dares to speak a word because they are junior. Seniors behave like uncivilized dictator who claims their right on everybody below them. Juniors are slaves. Or should I say modern slaves. I could not stand it any longer, thus I decided to speak. I spoke to him, hoping for a very small change. Even though he kept emphasizing about the culture and system; even though he kept bragging and being proud of their management style; I tried to make my stand. I hope that he agrees with 1% of what I’ve spoken.
Individualism, privacy should not be invaded. I should have the right to speak, to protect myself. I will keep on fighting. I cannot give up my life for this because it is not necessary. I cannot give in anymore because it is unreasonable. Change for the good, not for oppression. I wish they can see some sense in my speech of freedom. I wish they can be more open-minded. I wish.

Unreasonable reason and reasonable nonsense

There was a time when I decided to do what I called The Positive Experiment when I was in my last semester of undergraduate school. However, a glimpse at my writing reveals all the negativity that I had from the bottom of my heart. And then, I realized that my present surrounding was created by all the negativity that I had about school and exams back then. Many people hated school without any intention to precede their study. I hated it too. But perhaps back then I did say something that goes like this,” I would rather study than work because I think studying is much easier.” That is the one error brain wave that I’ve sent to the universe and in return, I am stuck here in an unreasonable grad school.

If there is one thing that I like about here, I would say that it is their passion towards work. And if there’s one thing that I really dislike about here, I would have no doubt that it is their stubbornness to their backward and unreasonable culture. I am not supposed to be writing another page of my grudge to my situation now…. So, in short, here, unreasonable reason still stand strong while reasonable nonsense has no right to appear at all.

blind

It is like a thunder in the rain when they scolded him for his inappropriate behavior. You know that the thunder will come, but you don't know when.When it strikes, it strikes hard. Nonetheless, who gives them the right to judge and punish? Is it god? I don't know. He did something wrong that I would have done. I do not completely agree that his behavior is incorrect. And I would not say that it is correct either,because i am not here to judge. Look at yourself in the mirror before you judge. Things happen for a reason. The way he behaved is provoked by them, by them, by them. And yet they do not know...A good leader knows. A good organization changes. A smart person play the game. The stupid ones just follow. I don't know which is I, and i do not hope i am one of them.

"Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha,
Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha,
Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha."

Gone, Gone, Gone beyond, gone utterly beyond. Oh, what an Awakening!

Unexplainable existance is suspicious.
Unexplainable existance is confusing.
Unexplainable but urging us to seek for explaination.
Unexplainable but still exist.
Unexplainable but provoking the fire in the heart.
.....What am I going after?.....
Unexplainable,why not just let go?
Let go and you will be awake.
Awake when you fall asleep.
Awake from the longest dream.

Today, I entered BlogSpot. Thought of writing something, thought of writing about my feelings but suddenly my mind went blank. I don't know if that is what we called calm because I still have a lot of troubling thoughts. I don't know why but I've been listening to the Buddhist Chanting songs nowadays. It seems to calm me down a lot somehow. The songs are like the most beautiful thing in the world. I almost burst into tears without any reason. I just feel so moved and so stupid at the same time. Sometimes I wonder why am I still lingering around this materialistic and yet unreal world. Why am I so caught up by so much of unnecessary feelings which are merely illusions? Why are people so blind to see their own stain but keep seeing other's? Some people just blindly follow what others do without questioning. Is that right or wrong? I feel the guilt as I do things against what I am supposed to. I feel the guilt when I feel greedy, when I am self-fish, when I am in love… I know everything will end up being nothing… and yet I’m chasing after it…without a clue. I feel like a sinful and thoughtless human being sometimes, because I’m stuck.

The beauty of spontaneity

The beauty of being spontaneous is that you will never know what’s next.
Surprises will always be there.
Your life will be as if you are sailing in the middle of nowhere, just keeping your head up to see what’s ahead.
Curiosity will take you to another level.
Inquisitiveness will show you some uniqueness.
Without any plan, you will get nothing but colorful and priceless experiences.
Do it because you are young and energetic.
Or do it because you are old and free.
Be spontaneous once in a while and paint a beautiful portrait out of your life.
Get out from this unchanging lifestyle.
Remember that you can be merely an actor or actress, or you can be the director of your movie. It is just the matter of choice
Everybody can do it, as long as your will is there.

Am I superhero?or coward?

Feels like I’ve taken one step deeper into the slump every day.
Feels like I’ve sold myself to the slavery syndicate.
Stress has penetrated throughout my body. It is eating up each beautiful and innocent cell inside me. I feel like I’m mentally ill, somehow depressed.
Feels like taking one step backward.
Feels like turning back time, to the junction where I made the mistake, and choose again.
Feels like taking it to the extreme, and just leave.
Feels like the main character in some superhero movies where they were cowardly living a discriminated life previously and suddenly obtained the superpower. Are all those movies a metaphor to real life? Maybe I should get out and become a superhero. Maybe I should just stay and be a coward. Confusion flooded in my brain again.
…….take one day and think about it.
…….stop all those doubts and hesitations.
…….do what your heart tells you to.