relief

Feeling rather odd now. This is not the feeling I was seeking for after all the hesitation in the past few months. Why am I feeling this way? Is research and master degree what I’ve desired all along? Despite all the long working hour and privacy invasion from those aliens, I actually liked what I was doing. Maybe not passionate about it, but I liked it.

I woke up an hour early today because this was supposed to be my first day at a new work place. Slightly further away, and completely different from school. I felt bad for both sides, school and the new employer because I’m currently lying to both sides in order to seek what I really want. By telling school people that I am sick, I am able to work in another place to experience the working life that I was wondering. If I dislike the workplace, I am planning to tell the other place that it was some scholarship contract that not allows me to work. In between, I am able to go home early today. Maybe I can do some shopping and other stuff that I like.

Travelling on the subway for more than an hour journey in the morning actually give me a bit of a taste of working life. I notice that there’s a clear line between school and work. Besides the long working hour, school does not require much out of you, mainly because they are not a capitalistic institution. However, companies are the opposite. Corporations are the results of capitalism.

So now, I’m at my work place. And as I step into the office, I immediately know that this is my first and last day at work. I can’t proceed here because I see no relativity with me. Here, they are doing marketing work that I thought I might like. But as I sit there, listening to their negotiation over price with the suppliers, I feel like I am the worst candidate for this job. I don’t even feel like talking to clients. The negotiation session seems to be fascinating for the manager, but to me, it is rather stressful. Maybe I should just complete my graduate school and teach in some college or high school.

Long day, Long month, and long year, as I guess my life is kind of fun when I look back. Like a maniac who strife here and there to seek herself, I ended up being on the same spot. I think I can’t work in an office and that is final.

Today, I feel relief because finally I have made up my mind to leave the options behind.