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Overloaded jealousy,
claiming my love for you and yours for me.
Acting like a maniac,
tossing emotion from nowhere,
creating destructive scene,
flowing your good mood with my tears,
making sure there’s no fun without my existence.

Wrapped in jealousy and insecurity,
I’m miserable and unsociable,
I’m needy and greedy,
nobody can make me happy,
but you tried.

Blinded by my pessimistic emotions,
shouting and stomping in front of you,
losing rationality,
creating the biggest mess for you.

Invading your privacy,
like an alien invading earth,
perhaps I am abnormal,
perhaps I am pathetic,
perhaps I am just unable to be content.

And yet,
you called it a beautiful mess,
treasuring every single good about me,
tolerating every bad about me.

All I gave you was a thousand blank apologies,
for the beautiful mess I’ve made…
I wish to proceed, go forward with you.
I want to proceed, go forward with you.
I’m sorry for the beautiful mess I’ve made,
you are the only person who can understand me.

wonder

Seems like it's not easy to live in a world full of trouble and turn around to be a positive person. Many things are just unexpected. It might be the karma that haunt you from your pass lives, or the Bodhidharma that bless you from your pass lives. Perhaps we should just live with it, without trying to squeeze our brain to complicate every single situation.

I was just a little girl,
wondering how would it be like when i grew up.
Wandering under the rubber trees in my dream,
listening to the sound of nature,
so simple and calm.
I could hear footsteps,
proceed closer towards my direction.
Instantly I knew, the person was my grandfather,
who was not very close to me in real life.
However, in my dream, in my wonderland,
everything was possible.

I grew up,
became a working lady in the small and isolated cubicle.
I no longer own the power,
to create dreams and to wonder.
Sitting on the square and tough chair,
in front of a computer,
listening to the radio online,
so beautiful and yet so stressful.
I could hear footsteps,
proceed closer towards my direction.
Instantly i knew, that person was my boss,
who was never been really good to me,
in real life.
And I lost the charm,
to create the wonder.

New Era of Positivity

Yesterday I was talking to my brother on the phone, complaining about my work and stuff like that as usual. I forgot that the power of negativity that can possibly bring me down to a shit hole. Luckily, he reminded me.
He told me that we should learn to ask from the universe, things that we desire. Do not complain because that's why you get all the bad stuff. He is right. I was the one who taught him about this secret years ago. But presently, I am drowned in vain. I was. I am going to change my life once and for all now!

So, my strategy is to come here and write about things that i want everyday!Visualize, and receive.
There's one thing that i really want now,no lab tomorrow! no lab after 7pm. Let me go home early! I want them to realize that letting me go early makes me a more productive person! So let me go early:) Yeah!

This is day one of my positivity program. :)

Idiotblue

CLOCK IS TICKING

Clock has been good to me these days. It has been speeding up its pace. I feel like graduation day is drawing nearer each second, the queue to buy the ticket of freedom is not long. Just a few more months away.
Start listening to one of my favorite radio station when i was a teenager, hitz fm today. Reminds me to myself when i was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen; before i stepped out from my comfy home country into the materialistic world. Damn, it's already 7 years ago. The songs are all so new and yet i am so old.

Waiting for a better tomorrow:)

Girl from the isolated cubicle

Long time no see

It's been quite sometimes since I last logged in and write something. Perhaps my life was too comfortable or maybe too busy. I lost most of my private time and personal space. I found some here and there. I found ways to get some rest or have a nice time with my boyfriend. Life still goes on as it is. Whether it is good or bad, it does not matter anymore. I'm going to enjoy every seconds of my life.:)

rough time

I guess i only write when my life is going downhill. I've always forgot about keeping a record of my life when I am on my easy way in life. I was happy to be back home for about 10 days, eventhough it was short, i think it was the happiest days in my life this year.
Bad luck started to hit on me since last Wednesday when I lost my wallet. Perhaps i shouldn't blame the luck because it was myself who was careless. I guess It was my fault entirely. And then, i got drunk in a gathering, and lost my cellphone on Thursday night. I got my phone back, but the fact that I got drunk makes me feel so bad about myself. I am not that kind of person and always hated those type of people.I feel like being away from home, my life drags me away from all the stuff that i believe. I miss home so much and I feel like quiting school and just leave this place this instance.However, I know that I am not a quiter. I am just going through a very rough time. Very rough. I wish i have somebody to talk to, but unfortunately i don't have many friends and none of my friends are here. I have to act tough in front of other people because i just don't want to seems week. I hate myself so much now eventhough i don't want to.

I guess this is for now.

Breath of a Breathless Soul

Life of a prisoner
As if I was a criminal
worst than a slave.
My mouth is sealed with thread,
by the thick needle which poke through my lips.
My voice echoing,
trying to break out from my throat.

Unreasonable commands which they forced me to abide,
unbelievable facts which they tried to make me buy,
unbreakable rules they wanted me to follow,
sucking every breath out of my soul.

Fell into this so-called higher institution,
Fell into this invisible shit hole,
Fell into the deepest point of my life,
I just hope I don’t turn out psycho.