Transiting in Hong Kong for the third time on my way back to Malaysia. I went home last summer, about 6 months ago.I'm going back again.This time is for the Chinese new year. Maybe this will be the only trip in the next two years. Maybe. Well, i was supposed to use the internet within 15 minutes. So, i'm gonna go now.
Yishee from Hong Kong Airport
Monday, 26 January 2009
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Today is a gift, that's why they call it present
Today, I woke up at seven in the morning and couldn't sleep back. So, while I was browsing on my blog, I came across a story that I wrote 4 years ago. The funny thing is, I could not even remember what I wrote. I read it as if it was written by someone else. Wow, did I write a love story? Which part of my brain imagined that? I have no idea. And the story was written in Mandarin. I could not believe that my written Mandarin was that good. The story is like a forgotten city or something. And it seems like I've forgotten a lot about myself. Sound sad isn't it?
Once in a while I write something. And every time I write, I feel like I am looking for my old self. The lost me. Travelling through the story that I wrote was like a journey to my past. No doubt that time only move forward. But people tend to turn around a look backward because they miss something in the pass. Many had imagined about time machine that allows us to go back in time. I really wish there’s a time machine too. Well, I actually think that it is possible. Just look at the airplane. That is one hilarious imagination back in the days. If there is time machine, I want to go back to primary school. Or secondary school maybe. I don’t know. Or maybe, instead of waiting for the time machine, I should just move forward like time. I should treasure present. Like the turtle in Kung Fu Panda mentioned, “Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it present.” It seems like we are all gifted to live to see today.
Today, I feel lucky. I just settled my air ticket. It is just the right route that I wanted, which will be stopping in Kuala Lumpur when I arrived and will be departing from Penang when I leave Malaysia. With more to that, it is ten bucks cheaper. Wonderful! This means I have an extra ten bucks to eat and buy stuff. Hehe. I guess I’m just a crazy girl who always thinks that she’s the luckiest person in the world. As long as it light up my day, I will believe that luck is always by my side.
We are all gifted to see today.
Once in a while I write something. And every time I write, I feel like I am looking for my old self. The lost me. Travelling through the story that I wrote was like a journey to my past. No doubt that time only move forward. But people tend to turn around a look backward because they miss something in the pass. Many had imagined about time machine that allows us to go back in time. I really wish there’s a time machine too. Well, I actually think that it is possible. Just look at the airplane. That is one hilarious imagination back in the days. If there is time machine, I want to go back to primary school. Or secondary school maybe. I don’t know. Or maybe, instead of waiting for the time machine, I should just move forward like time. I should treasure present. Like the turtle in Kung Fu Panda mentioned, “Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it present.” It seems like we are all gifted to live to see today.
Today, I feel lucky. I just settled my air ticket. It is just the right route that I wanted, which will be stopping in Kuala Lumpur when I arrived and will be departing from Penang when I leave Malaysia. With more to that, it is ten bucks cheaper. Wonderful! This means I have an extra ten bucks to eat and buy stuff. Hehe. I guess I’m just a crazy girl who always thinks that she’s the luckiest person in the world. As long as it light up my day, I will believe that luck is always by my side.
We are all gifted to see today.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Freak out!
I was always confident and so sure about my "good luck". And I was, lucky most of the time. Even now, I should consider myself lucky to have a place in grad school even though I did not get a job. Some people don't even have that back-up plan. They just flow, like water. They take whatever comes to them. Actually, it is the same to me. I take whatever comes to me.
I was supposed to go start my training in grad school already. But I haven't started yet. Now, I'm so freak out because the day I'm going to grad school is drawing closer and closer. Maybe it's because I'm scare to stay in school for more than twelve hours a day. And probably, I’m freaked out because of the Korean seniority culture. That's the whole reason why I'm still not going to the lab. I’m freaked out! I have never felt so freaked out and vulnerable before. I was always sure about what is right for me. I always tell myself that there is nothing to feel regret about because any choice could be the best choice. However, as I grow older, my confidence slumps. Can I cope with all these smart ass stuff? Or will I turn into one of the people who thought they were smart ass?
I used to think that people who has higher education qualification is smarter. Somehow, I realized that I've misjudged them. In fact, many of them misjudge themselves. They think that they are better than those who do not go to higher institution. That is what they think. And I'm not saying that all of them are like that, but majority. Some people really have the brain. But some does not have what it takes. Some smart people choose not to waste time studying because they are ready for the job. Or perhaps they have other reasons like financial problem and so on. All these stuff makes me think alot these days.Plus, there is one question that kept spinning in my head,giving me headaches. “Do you think that you have what it takes?”.Well, I doubt. That’s why I’m so freak out.
Well, I mentioned that I was always lucky. Somehow, I guess I should restate this. I was not always lucky but I’ve always felt lucky. In the year I was born, 1985, a huge economy crisis struck the world. In year 1997, when I was going to secondary school, another great depression hits us. And now, year 2009, when I finally finished my studies, another economy slump came in like the unexpected tsunami. It’s like in every single turning point in my life; the economy will go through a series of downfall. Perhaps all these while, what blessed me was not my luck. It was my effort? Haha! Now I sound like a hypocritical smart ass.
What is smart anyway? How can we measure smartness? By IQ test? Or by the money that they can earn? Well, who cares?
Currently, I’m still freak out. So I try to watch something funny at www.effinfunny.com to get rid of my negative thought. I’m kind of a believer of “THE SECRET”.I should always keep myself positive because that's the best I can do to keep myself away from the blue. I think I should thank every single thing that happens to me. Sometimes, a critic can make you feel like you’ve lost the whole world. But a slight adjustment on the angle you look at the critic can flip the whole negativity upside down. You should feel thankful to the person who actually scolded or criticized you (no matter what his or her intention was), because you learn from critics and grow as long as you live. So, I would like to thank everybody who actually tries to make me feel bad about myself and everybody who had good intention to correct me.
I was supposed to go start my training in grad school already. But I haven't started yet. Now, I'm so freak out because the day I'm going to grad school is drawing closer and closer. Maybe it's because I'm scare to stay in school for more than twelve hours a day. And probably, I’m freaked out because of the Korean seniority culture. That's the whole reason why I'm still not going to the lab. I’m freaked out! I have never felt so freaked out and vulnerable before. I was always sure about what is right for me. I always tell myself that there is nothing to feel regret about because any choice could be the best choice. However, as I grow older, my confidence slumps. Can I cope with all these smart ass stuff? Or will I turn into one of the people who thought they were smart ass?
I used to think that people who has higher education qualification is smarter. Somehow, I realized that I've misjudged them. In fact, many of them misjudge themselves. They think that they are better than those who do not go to higher institution. That is what they think. And I'm not saying that all of them are like that, but majority. Some people really have the brain. But some does not have what it takes. Some smart people choose not to waste time studying because they are ready for the job. Or perhaps they have other reasons like financial problem and so on. All these stuff makes me think alot these days.Plus, there is one question that kept spinning in my head,giving me headaches. “Do you think that you have what it takes?”.Well, I doubt. That’s why I’m so freak out.
Well, I mentioned that I was always lucky. Somehow, I guess I should restate this. I was not always lucky but I’ve always felt lucky. In the year I was born, 1985, a huge economy crisis struck the world. In year 1997, when I was going to secondary school, another great depression hits us. And now, year 2009, when I finally finished my studies, another economy slump came in like the unexpected tsunami. It’s like in every single turning point in my life; the economy will go through a series of downfall. Perhaps all these while, what blessed me was not my luck. It was my effort? Haha! Now I sound like a hypocritical smart ass.
What is smart anyway? How can we measure smartness? By IQ test? Or by the money that they can earn? Well, who cares?
Currently, I’m still freak out. So I try to watch something funny at www.effinfunny.com to get rid of my negative thought. I’m kind of a believer of “THE SECRET”.I should always keep myself positive because that's the best I can do to keep myself away from the blue. I think I should thank every single thing that happens to me. Sometimes, a critic can make you feel like you’ve lost the whole world. But a slight adjustment on the angle you look at the critic can flip the whole negativity upside down. You should feel thankful to the person who actually scolded or criticized you (no matter what his or her intention was), because you learn from critics and grow as long as you live. So, I would like to thank everybody who actually tries to make me feel bad about myself and everybody who had good intention to correct me.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Why do I live?
Have you ever felt like you slipped out from your own league and kind of wander off from your own dream? Have you ever felt like a loser who does not do anything right?
When I was little, my dream was so simple and happy. I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to write story, about people, about dream, and about myself. I would be so happy every time when my essays were published on the school magazine. That happiness seems to be priceless. It was purely a warm feeling that came from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t fully appreciate that simplest, and yet purest happiness at that time because I did not understand or know anything about sadness. All I knew about unhappiness was that I felt awful and I cried every time that bad feeling struck me. Happiness and sadness were only smile and tear to me, nothing more.
As I grew up, I started to lose sight on my dream. Dream to become a writer. I used to see myself sitting down in a quiet café, writing while observing people around me. That picture was vivid in my head. But slowly, as my innocent was taken away, the writer image in my head faded away as well. Suddenly, I realized that I was living in reality that my envy and greed created. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I earn a few bucks to have my article published. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I was eating the most wonderful meals my mother prepared. Even the slightest shadow of happiness could not be found in me. Now, every single bit of happiness I have, comes with some sadness. Maybe, it is to contrast and reflect the wonderfulness of being happy. Or maybe, pure happiness does not exist. Everything has two sides, to contrast each other.
When I looked into the eyes of a child, I saw one thing that no one can take away from him- innocent. Often, they smile because they feel good. Children are honest. When I looked at my own reflection, my smile was not as pure as a child anymore. I noticed that even I, could not differentiate if that smile was real or not. But then, what kind of smile am I looking for? Even I do not have an answer.
Do you believe in god? I’m a Buddhist. And I believe in Karma and Dharma. I believe in Amitabha, who has created a path to happiness for us, and every creature. I praise Buddha for His bravery to let go of power and wealth to pursue enlightenment. I believe that there is a little Buddha deep inside me, and there is an Amitabha deep inside my soul. Nevertheless, I seem to be caught up in materialistic world that both prophets have given up. Is it because I’m just a human being? Or is it because of my Karma? Or is it because of myself?
My mom told me that I can the director of my own movie if I want to. Or, I can be merely an actor who acts what he or she was told. Certainly, I want to be a director. But, it is not as simple as it seems to be. Even though I told myself to direct the movie, I am still trapped in hesitation. I wonder why I hesitate. I wonder why I let those petty little things get to me. Happiness is just right in front of my eyes. I could grab it if I let go of the material world that I was sinking into. I could grab it if I stop letting my negative thoughts spread all over my brain. I could grab it if I was not scared of losing anything in this realm of my own imagination and greed. And yet, I was stuck.
Five years ago, I was just a happy girl with some dream of living aboard. And my dream came true. However, I was not aware that because of this desire, I was giving up my simplest dream as a price. And I forgot, about writing. As time passed by, I started to envy people who have gone so far in the field that I was studying subconsciously. Deep down inside, I pledged to become one of them because I wanted to beat others. That was where things went wrong. My greed started to develop and my original dream was buried in its grave. My dream died. Until today that I noticed, going after the feeling of winning or beating other people was not what I wanted. That did not make me any happier. In fact, it brought grieves to people that I beat; and disappointment to me when I was beaten. So, what exactly is happiness? Is pursuing my writer dream going to bring me happiness? Or is living without dream the right path? Live with content, is that happiness? Maybe. I could not be sure.
When I watched the famous documentary entitled “The Secret”, I believed it. I think I still believe in it today. We are what our thought manifest is the truest fact that I can never agree more. Sometimes, even if you know that law of attraction which is similar to Karma and Dharma is working in every moment of your life, it is just not easy to control your thoughts and feelings. Music does get me out from the blue from time to time, exercises too. But sometimes negativities still gets to you. Some say feelings are just an illusion and creation that trapped you in the material world. There are no feelings really. Happiness is there because sadness is. They are just the flipped side of each other. Just like you, and your reflection in the mirror. If you don’t exist, your reflection too, will not exist. Thus, to get rid of sadness, we should not feel happy. Because through this way, we will not know what is sadness if it has nothing to be compared with. So, is the ultimate answer letting go of your feelings? Wait a minute, I was searching for happiness. If I let go of my feelings, then what is my quest in life? What do I pursue? Nothing? Then why do I live?
Y.S Chan
14 January 2009
When I was little, my dream was so simple and happy. I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to write story, about people, about dream, and about myself. I would be so happy every time when my essays were published on the school magazine. That happiness seems to be priceless. It was purely a warm feeling that came from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t fully appreciate that simplest, and yet purest happiness at that time because I did not understand or know anything about sadness. All I knew about unhappiness was that I felt awful and I cried every time that bad feeling struck me. Happiness and sadness were only smile and tear to me, nothing more.
As I grew up, I started to lose sight on my dream. Dream to become a writer. I used to see myself sitting down in a quiet café, writing while observing people around me. That picture was vivid in my head. But slowly, as my innocent was taken away, the writer image in my head faded away as well. Suddenly, I realized that I was living in reality that my envy and greed created. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I earn a few bucks to have my article published. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I was eating the most wonderful meals my mother prepared. Even the slightest shadow of happiness could not be found in me. Now, every single bit of happiness I have, comes with some sadness. Maybe, it is to contrast and reflect the wonderfulness of being happy. Or maybe, pure happiness does not exist. Everything has two sides, to contrast each other.
When I looked into the eyes of a child, I saw one thing that no one can take away from him- innocent. Often, they smile because they feel good. Children are honest. When I looked at my own reflection, my smile was not as pure as a child anymore. I noticed that even I, could not differentiate if that smile was real or not. But then, what kind of smile am I looking for? Even I do not have an answer.
Do you believe in god? I’m a Buddhist. And I believe in Karma and Dharma. I believe in Amitabha, who has created a path to happiness for us, and every creature. I praise Buddha for His bravery to let go of power and wealth to pursue enlightenment. I believe that there is a little Buddha deep inside me, and there is an Amitabha deep inside my soul. Nevertheless, I seem to be caught up in materialistic world that both prophets have given up. Is it because I’m just a human being? Or is it because of my Karma? Or is it because of myself?
My mom told me that I can the director of my own movie if I want to. Or, I can be merely an actor who acts what he or she was told. Certainly, I want to be a director. But, it is not as simple as it seems to be. Even though I told myself to direct the movie, I am still trapped in hesitation. I wonder why I hesitate. I wonder why I let those petty little things get to me. Happiness is just right in front of my eyes. I could grab it if I let go of the material world that I was sinking into. I could grab it if I stop letting my negative thoughts spread all over my brain. I could grab it if I was not scared of losing anything in this realm of my own imagination and greed. And yet, I was stuck.
Five years ago, I was just a happy girl with some dream of living aboard. And my dream came true. However, I was not aware that because of this desire, I was giving up my simplest dream as a price. And I forgot, about writing. As time passed by, I started to envy people who have gone so far in the field that I was studying subconsciously. Deep down inside, I pledged to become one of them because I wanted to beat others. That was where things went wrong. My greed started to develop and my original dream was buried in its grave. My dream died. Until today that I noticed, going after the feeling of winning or beating other people was not what I wanted. That did not make me any happier. In fact, it brought grieves to people that I beat; and disappointment to me when I was beaten. So, what exactly is happiness? Is pursuing my writer dream going to bring me happiness? Or is living without dream the right path? Live with content, is that happiness? Maybe. I could not be sure.
When I watched the famous documentary entitled “The Secret”, I believed it. I think I still believe in it today. We are what our thought manifest is the truest fact that I can never agree more. Sometimes, even if you know that law of attraction which is similar to Karma and Dharma is working in every moment of your life, it is just not easy to control your thoughts and feelings. Music does get me out from the blue from time to time, exercises too. But sometimes negativities still gets to you. Some say feelings are just an illusion and creation that trapped you in the material world. There are no feelings really. Happiness is there because sadness is. They are just the flipped side of each other. Just like you, and your reflection in the mirror. If you don’t exist, your reflection too, will not exist. Thus, to get rid of sadness, we should not feel happy. Because through this way, we will not know what is sadness if it has nothing to be compared with. So, is the ultimate answer letting go of your feelings? Wait a minute, I was searching for happiness. If I let go of my feelings, then what is my quest in life? What do I pursue? Nothing? Then why do I live?
Y.S Chan
14 January 2009
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