Freak out!

I was always confident and so sure about my "good luck". And I was, lucky most of the time. Even now, I should consider myself lucky to have a place in grad school even though I did not get a job. Some people don't even have that back-up plan. They just flow, like water. They take whatever comes to them. Actually, it is the same to me. I take whatever comes to me.

I was supposed to go start my training in grad school already. But I haven't started yet. Now, I'm so freak out because the day I'm going to grad school is drawing closer and closer. Maybe it's because I'm scare to stay in school for more than twelve hours a day. And probably, I’m freaked out because of the Korean seniority culture. That's the whole reason why I'm still not going to the lab. I’m freaked out! I have never felt so freaked out and vulnerable before. I was always sure about what is right for me. I always tell myself that there is nothing to feel regret about because any choice could be the best choice. However, as I grow older, my confidence slumps. Can I cope with all these smart ass stuff? Or will I turn into one of the people who thought they were smart ass?

I used to think that people who has higher education qualification is smarter. Somehow, I realized that I've misjudged them. In fact, many of them misjudge themselves. They think that they are better than those who do not go to higher institution. That is what they think. And I'm not saying that all of them are like that, but majority. Some people really have the brain. But some does not have what it takes. Some smart people choose not to waste time studying because they are ready for the job. Or perhaps they have other reasons like financial problem and so on. All these stuff makes me think alot these days.Plus, there is one question that kept spinning in my head,giving me headaches. “Do you think that you have what it takes?”.Well, I doubt. That’s why I’m so freak out.

Well, I mentioned that I was always lucky. Somehow, I guess I should restate this. I was not always lucky but I’ve always felt lucky. In the year I was born, 1985, a huge economy crisis struck the world. In year 1997, when I was going to secondary school, another great depression hits us. And now, year 2009, when I finally finished my studies, another economy slump came in like the unexpected tsunami. It’s like in every single turning point in my life; the economy will go through a series of downfall. Perhaps all these while, what blessed me was not my luck. It was my effort? Haha! Now I sound like a hypocritical smart ass.

What is smart anyway? How can we measure smartness? By IQ test? Or by the money that they can earn? Well, who cares?

Currently, I’m still freak out. So I try to watch something funny at www.effinfunny.com to get rid of my negative thought. I’m kind of a believer of “THE SECRET”.I should always keep myself positive because that's the best I can do to keep myself away from the blue. I think I should thank every single thing that happens to me. Sometimes, a critic can make you feel like you’ve lost the whole world. But a slight adjustment on the angle you look at the critic can flip the whole negativity upside down. You should feel thankful to the person who actually scolded or criticized you (no matter what his or her intention was), because you learn from critics and grow as long as you live. So, I would like to thank everybody who actually tries to make me feel bad about myself and everybody who had good intention to correct me.