Why do I live?

Have you ever felt like you slipped out from your own league and kind of wander off from your own dream? Have you ever felt like a loser who does not do anything right?
When I was little, my dream was so simple and happy. I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to write story, about people, about dream, and about myself. I would be so happy every time when my essays were published on the school magazine. That happiness seems to be priceless. It was purely a warm feeling that came from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t fully appreciate that simplest, and yet purest happiness at that time because I did not understand or know anything about sadness. All I knew about unhappiness was that I felt awful and I cried every time that bad feeling struck me. Happiness and sadness were only smile and tear to me, nothing more.
As I grew up, I started to lose sight on my dream. Dream to become a writer. I used to see myself sitting down in a quiet café, writing while observing people around me. That picture was vivid in my head. But slowly, as my innocent was taken away, the writer image in my head faded away as well. Suddenly, I realized that I was living in reality that my envy and greed created. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I earn a few bucks to have my article published. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I was eating the most wonderful meals my mother prepared. Even the slightest shadow of happiness could not be found in me. Now, every single bit of happiness I have, comes with some sadness. Maybe, it is to contrast and reflect the wonderfulness of being happy. Or maybe, pure happiness does not exist. Everything has two sides, to contrast each other.
When I looked into the eyes of a child, I saw one thing that no one can take away from him- innocent. Often, they smile because they feel good. Children are honest. When I looked at my own reflection, my smile was not as pure as a child anymore. I noticed that even I, could not differentiate if that smile was real or not. But then, what kind of smile am I looking for? Even I do not have an answer.
Do you believe in god? I’m a Buddhist. And I believe in Karma and Dharma. I believe in Amitabha, who has created a path to happiness for us, and every creature. I praise Buddha for His bravery to let go of power and wealth to pursue enlightenment. I believe that there is a little Buddha deep inside me, and there is an Amitabha deep inside my soul. Nevertheless, I seem to be caught up in materialistic world that both prophets have given up. Is it because I’m just a human being? Or is it because of my Karma? Or is it because of myself?
My mom told me that I can the director of my own movie if I want to. Or, I can be merely an actor who acts what he or she was told. Certainly, I want to be a director. But, it is not as simple as it seems to be. Even though I told myself to direct the movie, I am still trapped in hesitation. I wonder why I hesitate. I wonder why I let those petty little things get to me. Happiness is just right in front of my eyes. I could grab it if I let go of the material world that I was sinking into. I could grab it if I stop letting my negative thoughts spread all over my brain. I could grab it if I was not scared of losing anything in this realm of my own imagination and greed. And yet, I was stuck.
Five years ago, I was just a happy girl with some dream of living aboard. And my dream came true. However, I was not aware that because of this desire, I was giving up my simplest dream as a price. And I forgot, about writing. As time passed by, I started to envy people who have gone so far in the field that I was studying subconsciously. Deep down inside, I pledged to become one of them because I wanted to beat others. That was where things went wrong. My greed started to develop and my original dream was buried in its grave. My dream died. Until today that I noticed, going after the feeling of winning or beating other people was not what I wanted. That did not make me any happier. In fact, it brought grieves to people that I beat; and disappointment to me when I was beaten. So, what exactly is happiness? Is pursuing my writer dream going to bring me happiness? Or is living without dream the right path? Live with content, is that happiness? Maybe. I could not be sure.
When I watched the famous documentary entitled “The Secret”, I believed it. I think I still believe in it today. We are what our thought manifest is the truest fact that I can never agree more. Sometimes, even if you know that law of attraction which is similar to Karma and Dharma is working in every moment of your life, it is just not easy to control your thoughts and feelings. Music does get me out from the blue from time to time, exercises too. But sometimes negativities still gets to you. Some say feelings are just an illusion and creation that trapped you in the material world. There are no feelings really. Happiness is there because sadness is. They are just the flipped side of each other. Just like you, and your reflection in the mirror. If you don’t exist, your reflection too, will not exist. Thus, to get rid of sadness, we should not feel happy. Because through this way, we will not know what is sadness if it has nothing to be compared with. So, is the ultimate answer letting go of your feelings? Wait a minute, I was searching for happiness. If I let go of my feelings, then what is my quest in life? What do I pursue? Nothing? Then why do I live?

Y.S Chan
14 January 2009