Blind

I do not know my sin in the past but present gives me a lot of sign about it. I was just about to adjust my thinking about “them”; again they make me feel like a fool. It was a story from another cubicle, or a box. I go to this so-called World Class University. And the laboratory that I’m working in is the most conservative place ever. It is not the professors who are conservative, it is the students. Besides me, there are other foreigner students here since it is supposed to be international. So, there’s a post-doctorate student from India. He is a guy who tries to invent and modify chemical product to write good papers in order to get a good job in his country. However, because of his differences that he was discriminated. They ignored him, talked bad about him. Just a while ago that the stupid lab-head was complaining that about the huge amount of money that Indian guy get for doing nothing. Well, I personally think that this discrimination or oppression or whatever you want to call it, is caused that guy’s skin color as well. Oh my god!!! Why are they so shallow? Why they are so ugly? Ugly from inside out. Why don’t they look into the mirror???

Another story from the cubicle

It has been exactly ten days since my last post. And it’s going to be June in another 2 days. The strangest thing is that, I am still here, in this small cubicle. Hesitation is still luring around, nothing has changed so far; neither their thinking, nor mine. One thing that has changed would be me, who has started to give in and tolerate while wondering if that is enough for me to survive here. Pushing me to take everything positive is definitely hard but I do not seem to have a choice if I am going to be here for the next 2 years. I know that I am certainly doing my best to proceed with improvements and I know that I’m no weaker or stronger than anybody else here. Everybody has potential and talents; whether or not they are discovered, they are there. I am sure that I can be success anywhere I go; I just don’t see the point of suffering or going through this oppression to get there.

Being unhappily fake is not my life, it is not me at all. I am not an actress even if the whole world is acting. Even if I have acted, nobody would believe that.

Anyhow,I hope things would be better and I’m thankful for each day of my survival and I’m thankful to everyone who has taught me a lesson in life.

Prajna Paramita Hrdaya Sutram

Aryalokiteshvara Bodhisattva gambhiram Prajna Paramita caryam caramano,

vyavalokiti sma panca-skanda asatta sca svabhava sunyam pasyati sma.

Iha Sariputra, rupam sunyam, sunyata lva rupam,

rupa na vrtta sunyata. Sunyataya na vrtta sa-rupam,

yad rupam sa-sunyata, yad sunyata sa-rupam.

Evam eva vedana, samjna, sam-skara vijnanam.

Iha sariputra, sarva dharma sunyata laksana.

Anutpanna, aniruddha, amala, a-vimala, anuna a-paripurna.

Tasmat Sariputra, sunyatayam na rupam.

na vedana, na samjna, na sam-skara, na vijnanam.

na caksu, srotra, ghrana, jihva kaya, manasa.

na rupam, sabda, ghandha, rasa, sparstavya, dharma.

Na caksur-dhatu, yavat na manovijnanam-dhatu

Na avidya, na avidya ksayo,

yavat na jara-maranam, na jara-marana ksayo.

Na dukha, samudaya, nirodha, marga.

na jnana, na prapti, na abhi-samaya.

Tasmat na prapti tva Bodhisattvanam,

prajna-paramitam a-sritya vi-haratya citta avarana,

citta avarana na sthitva, na trasto.

vi-paryasa ati-kranta nistha nirvanam.

Try-adhva vyavasthita sarva Buddha Prajna-Paramitam

A-sritya Annutara-Samyak-Sambodhim, Abhi-sambuddha.

Tasmat, jnatavyam Prajna-Paramita Maha-Mantra,

Maha-vidya Mantra, Anuttara Mantra, asama-samati Mantra.

sarva duhkha pra-samana satyam amithyatva.

Prajna Paramita mukha Mantra

Tadyatha, Gate Gate Para-gate Para-samgate Bodhi Svaha

Story from a cubicle

I know that I do not belong here, in this confined space. My cubicle is merely a space for a person to sit where his or her chest is in contact with the table. If I stand up at the same time with the person who sits behind me, our chair will hit and there will be no space to move at all. Narrow space, but open heart. That is what I desired. However, it is so hard to be that way. Today, the guy from my batch who sits next to me asked for a week of holiday because he hurt his leg and needed some treatment. Even though he does not show his diligence and honesty in the past, I thought it was inappropriate for them to immediately judge him in a negative way. If he had lied, he will be punished naturally. Why concern so much and critique so much? Why not shifting all the attention to the work that they are supposed to handle instead of suspecting people’s honesty and so on? It was somehow frightening when the head of my lab command us to put his stuff away. I do not want to be in that position. At that moment, I just feel like leaving this horrible place. Frankly speaking, what is it so precious that I have to give up my life and to get from here? Is it experience of slavery? Or hell? I tried to convince myself many times that if I can be positive, then I can survive here. But now, I do not think I want to stay here anymore. Maybe I owe them in my past life, then I shall apologize in hope that they would forgive me. I pray for them to be happy. I do not want to be another person who brings them misery. I do not want to be the reason to their frustration. And I do not want to be frustrated too. I just wish everything will be good for them when I finally step out from this door. I hope that they would realize how miserable their life is and change. Maybe they do not sense my desire to leave, but I am leaving. A wonderful life is waiting for me.

Watermelon

It is quite funny when you listen to their conversation. Sometimes, they are just too proud of their own race and nation. Every now and then, they speak about their country. They mention their country for at least 30 times a day.Yesterday night, while we were having watermelon, the big girl was telling about how good and big their country’s watermelon is. She said that no people from other places in the world enjoy watermelon more than they do. It was a shock to me because I’ve grown watermelon to eat in the tropical country where I come from. Out of interest, I sought the history of watermelon on the internet and the fact is that their country is not even one of the producers for watermelon. Watermelon is believed to be originated from Africa and firstly recorded about 5000 years ago in Egypt. World producers for this beautiful fruit are Turkey, China, Brazil, Iran and United States where the climate is tropical. I have no idea where she got that twisted fact about watermelon from their country. Well, can’t really blame their patriotism spirit.
Anyway, one of the interesting facts that I found about watermelon is that it has Viagra effect. Remarkable huh?

All that I'm hoping for today is time goes fast

One more day

One thing that I understand today is that human body has a limit. My mission today was to become a cleaner and I cleaned up almost 5 laboratory and an offices with another two girls. Some other people helped from time to time, but it was a task for the three girls from the lab which including me. Around nine, I tried to study a little. However, my body was too tired and my brain could not function at all. And then they bought some watermelon as supper. I had two small pieces and I totally regret because I feel like vomiting now at 10.13 pm. I’m still stuck in this little cubicle even though I’m desperate to go home and rest. I definitely hope for a change. All that I hope for is a ticket for me out of this situation soon.

Hesitation

Some people hesitates every single step they take. Some just follows their heart. Hesitation consists of fear, rationality, and selfishness. Hesitation makes people fear. Fear about losing this or that. Fear about not getting what they seek. Fear about hurting others. Fear about hurting themselves. Rationality is indefinable when you have a thousand questions running in your head that makes you hesitate. I doubt that rationality even exist when you are placed in a position to choose in confusion. I’ve chosen, but I will have to choose again. It’s all started from one simple thing, dissatisfaction.

There are too many choices to make in life, countless. Small or big, it is still a challenge. People make decision in confusion in many cases. That is why hesitations appear when it comes to choosing. Hesitation is merely a product of confusion. And, confusion is the product of dissatisfaction.

I’m stuck in this dilemma of confusion for more than 4 months now. Sometimes when the day is calm, I feel alright to stay in this unbearable grad school. However, during the bad days, I just feel like walking out of this door and never come back. Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m still stuck here is that I don’t know what I want. I need somebody to tell me what I want. Maybe things that I want are just plain and simple. I want to be a writer? Yes, that is my dream. But why am I still wavering here? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m scare of losing direction. Even though what I am doing now is not what I’m into, but it has a direction in life. I can probably get a better job in the future, in that field. However, come back to the same point again, is that what I want?

I used to be a very good counselor to my friends. It is because when you are an outsider of a situation, you can say whatever you think is right to do because you are not the one who has to take actions. Unfortunately, I’m now in the situation where I have to take the responsible for every action I take. One minute I think that I should leave school to work and the next minute I think I should stay for the sake of stability. There’s so much to think about. What if I regret for dropping out? What if I regret for not dropping out? One thing I know for sure is that I see myself happier off working as a part time translator than going to grad school. But I hesitate because of the future. What is it gonna be like?

So here I am, writing again and again on the same topic for the past 4 months. Will there be an answer today? Will this topic end here? Suddenly I remember one thing my friend said,"Sometimes when you keep thinking about the future, you forgot to live the present. It is present that is important but many have forgotten about that."

When will this hesitation end? Will it end here?