Hesitation

Some people hesitates every single step they take. Some just follows their heart. Hesitation consists of fear, rationality, and selfishness. Hesitation makes people fear. Fear about losing this or that. Fear about not getting what they seek. Fear about hurting others. Fear about hurting themselves. Rationality is indefinable when you have a thousand questions running in your head that makes you hesitate. I doubt that rationality even exist when you are placed in a position to choose in confusion. I’ve chosen, but I will have to choose again. It’s all started from one simple thing, dissatisfaction.

There are too many choices to make in life, countless. Small or big, it is still a challenge. People make decision in confusion in many cases. That is why hesitations appear when it comes to choosing. Hesitation is merely a product of confusion. And, confusion is the product of dissatisfaction.

I’m stuck in this dilemma of confusion for more than 4 months now. Sometimes when the day is calm, I feel alright to stay in this unbearable grad school. However, during the bad days, I just feel like walking out of this door and never come back. Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m still stuck here is that I don’t know what I want. I need somebody to tell me what I want. Maybe things that I want are just plain and simple. I want to be a writer? Yes, that is my dream. But why am I still wavering here? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m scare of losing direction. Even though what I am doing now is not what I’m into, but it has a direction in life. I can probably get a better job in the future, in that field. However, come back to the same point again, is that what I want?

I used to be a very good counselor to my friends. It is because when you are an outsider of a situation, you can say whatever you think is right to do because you are not the one who has to take actions. Unfortunately, I’m now in the situation where I have to take the responsible for every action I take. One minute I think that I should leave school to work and the next minute I think I should stay for the sake of stability. There’s so much to think about. What if I regret for dropping out? What if I regret for not dropping out? One thing I know for sure is that I see myself happier off working as a part time translator than going to grad school. But I hesitate because of the future. What is it gonna be like?

So here I am, writing again and again on the same topic for the past 4 months. Will there be an answer today? Will this topic end here? Suddenly I remember one thing my friend said,"Sometimes when you keep thinking about the future, you forgot to live the present. It is present that is important but many have forgotten about that."

When will this hesitation end? Will it end here?