The Ugliest Beauty

The Ugliest Beauty

There were endless thoughts about leaving school for a new life running in my mind for this past couple of months. And I know, these thoughts will keep haunting me through the next 18 months if I decided to stay here. It is like some sort of psychological problem which is not a complete mental breakdown but somewhere in the middle of that and being normal.
Two weeks ago, a new girl came into this lab. And a day before yesterday, she left. She was small and short, I thought that she looked rather plain and usual. There was nothing special about her. Perhaps she seemed to be a little talkative but carried herself pretty well here. I did not expect her to leave because I thought that she seemed to be a quite strange, or should I say abnormal. She blended well with these abnormal people here. However, she left and left me a big question about myself. So, she was not the abnormal one all along. I was? I am? I am not ready to accept the fact that I am the abnormal one. Anyway, I might just evaporate into small particles like when the extremely cold liquid nitrogen was poured down on the floor; nothing stays because all of them evaporated.
Apart from all of that, my present goal in life is to give myself more positivity by looking for one positive thing that happen to me every day and write about it. Hopefully, I will be able to find a way out of the blue.

Solubility Test

I am stuck in the confined box, doing experiment to synthesize something called ‘polymer’. As a part of the experiment, many tests are carried out to determine the ‘product’‘s characteristic. One of the most interesting tests is the solubility test. Basically, products are put into eight small vials which are smaller than your pinky. Then, eight different solvents are added into them to see if the product dissolved. It is an easy test, but means a lot in a way. Experimentally, it indicates the solvent to use for further tests such as viscosity test and so on. Philosophically, it exposes me to more questions of life. So, what kind of polymer am I? And what is my solubility? Here, in this lab, my solubility would be like oil and water which has a clear line of separation. I am like a failed product from incorrect synthesis process, not soluble at all in any of the organic solvent. Perhaps I could be soluble in strong acid which might have more energy and potential even though acid could burn at the same time. Maybe I just need more flexibilities and risks to be soluble.
Not all the time but sometimes, I think that organic solvents are hypocritical con-artist. Since the past few years, the word ‘organic’ has become more familiar to the public as capitalist promoting it in a sophisticated way to attract more wealth. It represents health or ‘well-being’, luxury and sometimes the education level of that person who use ‘organic’. Some people misunderstand organic as a synonym of natural, but I know that organic is never going to be the same as natural. A lot of organic vegetables did not grow from the ground as it was supposed to be, some of them grew in some sort of synthetic nutritious medium. But their prices are ridiculously high. It is obviously a scam but people are too blind to see it. Natural plant cultivation will not even cost a cent! Why are you paying extra for organic? Opps…how did I get here? Anyway, what I was trying to say is that, these organic solvents are just as same as those organic food frauds and maybe that is the reason why I am not soluble in it.
Many times, I feel like I should just take the risk and jump into the acid pool. Perhaps I will find something worthwhile. Today, some kind of unexplainable feeling just struck me. It made me feel as if I am living corpse that is already dead. Suddenly reminded me to a phrase that I’ve frequently used when I was writing in Mandarin,“她活着，可是她已经死了。她死了，可是她依然活着。”Which goes like this, “She is alive, but she is already dead. She is dead, but she is still alive.” I started to doubt my existence. I am living now, breathing oxygen into my lung; but am I really alive? Some people are dead, but they lived their life to the fullest and their spirit and happiness live eternally even without the body. At this moment, I wonder will I regret for staying back in this invisible prison for the coming one and a half years. I might.
To conclude what I’ve written so far, I am definitely a compound which is can never be soluble in any hypocritical, materialistic, phony organic solvents.

Sell Piglets

People say that positivity always leads things to a brighter path and thus change one’s life in an optimistic way. Many events in history have proven that the theory of positivity is precise; however time and patient are required.
She fell into the sea of slavery while she was surfing for freedom. And she started to find slavery interesting in many ways. From ancient period in many places around the world including China, India, and Europe and etc., people are born to differentiate others. It was either the discrimination of skin color, cast, gender or wealth. The strong oppressed the weak and took away their freedom. No weaker person was given any freedom nor treated equally as a human being. We always claimed how civilized we are and be proud of it. But oppression and slavery emerged from civilization of human being. As some people thought that their wisdom grow one step ahead of others, their greed could extend to unimaginable level where they take away people’s right subconsciously. It is pride and selfishness that created the devil within human being in an invisible way. Moreover, the birth of slavery has constructed a hell on earth and it has stood strong for centuries in many lands. She remembered when she was first introduced to the concept of slavery from a Hong Kong drama; she was barely a primary school child. And it was called, “Mai Chu Zhai” in Cantonese which means “Sell Piglets”. Piglets were used to describe slaves because they do not have the value to be human. So, these “piglets” were the Chinese people who were transported in containers by ships to Nan Yang (South East Asia). These piglets came from all types of sources as debtors, debtors’ son or daughter or even wife, prisoners, and also randomly abducted victims. Many Chinese people in her country now, were the decedent of these “piglets”.
Suddenly, she understood something. She was abducted by herself in a black box and was transferred to this unknown insane world. She is a “piglet” herself. So sad but true; when is this piglet life going to end? Where is it going? She has no clue. Perhaps she has a choice… but she could not choose.

Mutation

Is this the real world? She felt like she had just entered the wrong dimension. It would be good if someone was there to pinch her or to tell her if this was real. Real world seemed to be so cruel in a sudden. Everything turned gray. Nobody around her were genuine, almost everybody including herself were somehow, not sincere. Even the person that she was more close to in the office, seemed to be going through a transition stage. Now, she started to understand more deeply about a Chinese old story which mentioned that "Meng Zhu (A famous ancient Chinese philosopher)'s mother moved three times just to get her son a good environment". It is so true that environment be a powerful influence to a person. She realized that everybody who were locked in this invisible prison, is transforming into inhumane freaks as time passed by. The longer you stayed the worse you become. The negative waves there might be worse that the radioactive residual from the Chernobyl disaster, they penetrate into one’s body like viruses that cause fatality. And like mutation, everybody there turns into some kind of monster when infected. It was all because of unnecessary stress that seniors put on juniors and this phenomenon continue from one generation to another like a cycle. Is she changing as well? No, because she still has self-consciousness.

She was fortunate to be a Buddhist. Many teachings had thought her to cope with these filthy situations and people. Even though she is just a normal human being that she gets emotional from time to time, she knew that she must not sink into the black ocean in front of her eyes. Pinch me! And wake me up from this nightmare! She thought as her eyes closed and her soul stepped into a dream world which seemed to be more real.

My vision board....

People say that if you visualized enough about what you want, you can get it. So, I made a vision board for myself... With a little bit of hope that my life will reach a good turning point.

Light from a bar

A beautiful light from "Mafia" bar in Apkujong, Seoul. Will she managed to seek that light in her life? Hopefully, yes.

Wake me up!!!

Living in paradox for a while, she should be waking up now. She should be making up her mind and proceed forward. People say you should listen to your heart and just follow your intuition. However, she is having a very hard time searching for that inner voice. Perhaps she has found, but she does not have the courage to turn right away into another path. It is time to make a decision. It is time to leave this paradox behind. It is time to wake up from all the negativity. It is time to search that little happy soul inside.

Friday Blues

Coming out from that cubicle, she started to do experiment today.It might sounded like a crazy scientist experiment but it was merely a simple synthesis.However, work made her feel better since it removed her attention away from the negativity in that cubicle.Somehow, every time when she feels down, he feels fine. And vice-versa. He felt that way too. It is like both of them feel the insecurity every time their partner feels good. Odd.

It is Friday but not a nice day to her because her work continues on Saturday.

Wishes for a nice weekend,
Girl from that isolated cubicle

Where is my next station?

Where is my next station?
I am lost in the middle of nowhere as I’d mentioned many times in my writings. Suddenly, two buses which head towards two different directions appear in front of me. I stop to think. If I took bus No.1, I will be going to a huge, busy city with many highly-educated nerds where I might be able to get a successful career. If I took bus No.2, I will be going to a small and quiet village where I will be married to a man who loves me more than anything. Perhaps I will run a small cozy coffee shop where I write articles and play music all day long.
Here I am, only allowed to take one bus. I will lose one of them if I took another. What is it that I want to preserve? Where is it that I want to go? Where is my next station? Still doubting.

Girl from that isolated cubicle…10th June 2009

Something from Lobster and Swan

This is originally from Lobster and Swan, I find it interesting when I accidentally bumped into that little blog nearby. So I decided to copy this and answer the questions.

“Tagged by Sofia, with a little tulle by Sofia.

What is your current obsession?
Freedom and a peaceful breathe.

What is your weirdest obsession?
To be weird.

What are you wearing today?
A blue blouse with dark blue skinny jeans.
What's for dinner?
Some Korean traditional chicken soup.

What would you eat for your last meal?
Nothing.

What's the last thing you bought?
A piece of rice-cake bread and I did not know that it was rice cake.

What are you listening to right now?
The click five, the reason why.

What is your favorite ice-cream flavour?
Honey Nut Yogurt, cold stone

What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Nobody tagged me, so…

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Maybe Amsterdam.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Amsterdam

Which language do you want to learn?
Tamil

What's your favorite quote (for now)?
It's choice, not chance, that determines your destiny. Jean Nidetch.<-- I like this one

What is your favorite colour?
Yellow

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
That Victoria secret bare back dress that I bought for my birthday last year.

What is your dream job?
A freelance writer.

What's your favourite magazine?
I don’t really read magazine, but I like fashion magazines.

If you had £100 now, what would you spend it on?
I’ll get a pair of nice shoes and eat something good with the rest of the money.

Favorite designer?
No idea. Anybody.

Do you admire any one's style?
Mine.

Describe your personal style?
Sexy lady? But I am not allow to wear mini skirt in the lab… So…

What are you going to do after this?
Go home and sleep.

What are your favourite movies?
The never ending story, The cave of the golden rose, He is just not that into you, Transformer, X-men.

What's your favourite fruit?
Pineapple

What inspires you?
People, feelings, music, surrounding.

What is on the walls in your bedroom?
Nothing, cockroaches sometimes
Your favorite book ?
The Little Price

Do you collect something ?
Feelings and thoughts.


The rules :
1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people.

No pressure but if any of you or anyone else would like to take part please do!

Kc
Laiyin
Wen
Syidah
Shiting
Sue
Tanya
Vinod

Necklace featured above from Sofia Barao's Etsy Boutique ( Copied by girl from the cubicle)

Behind the Invisible Bars

She never noticed that lavatory was such a useful and beautiful place until today. This morning, she was extremely sleepy when she sat in front of the computer in her tiny cubicle. She wished to take a nap on the desk but she knew that the law did not allow her to. So, she had some coffee. After a while, with her half-opened eyes, she went into the magical world of toilet. She sat down for a while on the toilet bowl. While she was resting her eyes, she fell asleep for a few minutes. Today, she made a new discovery about toilet. It might be the best place for her behind these invisible bars.
Time passed by quite quickly, it’s 9 in the evening when she went to the other lavatory on the opposite site. She did her stuff and came out. While she was washing her hand in the sink, a beautiful scenery right outside the little windows in the toilet caught her attention. Wow! That was the most beautiful scene to her at the moment. It was beautiful. She opened the windows and sat on the heater which was turned off for a while. That moment in the lavatory was incredibly peaceful; the smell of fresh air outside, the breeze of freedom… was what she desired.
Today, she found out that not only she’s in an unbearable grad school, she was detained in the invisible prison.

Discovery about 4th of July

4th of July is a significant date in the history of America and it is my birthday. Today, out of no where, i was surfing the net for some fortune telling stuff because of the insecurity and confusion of my life these days. And there was a link which kinda caught my eye, "366 birthday profile". One click and my profile popped up on the screen. At the end of the whole personality description, they included a small list of famous people who were born on the same date. I was curious, so I checked all of the names on wikipedia. And I discovered something! Most famous people in my list were not in engineering school! They were writers or artist! Even that guy Rube Goldberg who went to engineering school became a cartoonist eventually. Am i on the right track here???? I wonder! Maybe i should have taken the diverged path.

Exclusion and Inclusion

Exclusion and Inclusion
The world seems to be created based on the fundamental rules of inclusion and exclusion. Things that are alike or similar to each other tend to attract each other while pushing those that are different away. This is also applied in the law of attraction because every single thought or feeling you had is what placed you in your current position. Thus, she suspected that she must be similar to them in some ways that brought her here. However, she knows that their differences are much stronger.
There were times when she actually believed that she was in the inclusion package here. But she was very wrong. She has tried to find a way to fit in and it seemed like she was on the right track but she was actually just giving in what so ever she can. Every society or organization or group has their inclusion and exclusion conditions. You’ve got to fulfill all those conditions in order to get into the list. Here, are the terms to be in the ‘inclusion list’ here.
1. Stop your own thinking and abide every single command from your seniors.
2. Do not ask, just do it as you were told.
3. Sacrifice your 101% of private time and privacy.
4. Work as many hours as you can and sleep as least as you can.
5. Do not leave office before your seniors do.
6. Do not ask for your human rights.
7. Smile and nod even if you disagree with what they mentioned.
8. Buy their hypocritical crap and make that look real.
9. ………………………………….
Being an exclusion from an organization that you basically live with more than 12 hours a day does not make things any better. And so, this innocent little girl tries so hard to fit in. Nevertheless, she has not really fulfilled any of the above conditions and hence there is no way for her to be in the inclusion list. Suddenly she feels like she is just a girl in an isolated cubicle, trying to give in everything she can to be in the inclusion list without knowing why she is stuck in this obsession. However, tolerate from every single aspects does not seem like a good choice either. It is like betraying your own principle of life, just to be on some stupid list.
She has been excluded in this isolated little confined space for more than 5 months now. She knows that this is not going to last forever. The longest period would be two years and the shortest would be anytime after she decided to bounce. So the question that arises in her head now is that, if she leaves this place, will she be able to find a place that genuinely includes her? Being exclusion is too fatiguing but at the same time faking herself to be included does not make her feel any better.

Learning the 7th language, good start!

Girl from that small cubicle is writing again. Today, she was planning to resign from her job. However, his word smacked her in the face; made her feel like the biggest coward in the world. She might sound dumb when she kept quiet instead of fighting back, but she did not want to be rude to anyone. She believed what goes around comes around and thus she did not want any bad thing to strike back. Maybe she thought too far and hesitated too much, it was that stuff that held her back. Maybe… So, she stayed again, just for another week. By weekend, she will be meeting the boss of that part time job introduced by a senior. Then, she will decide again. Her life is somehow miserable but yet interesting.

Today, she decided to learn the seventh language, which is the language that her boyfriend speaks, Tamil. Her mother tongue is Mandarin even though she is not from China, and so is he. He is not from India either, but he is Tamil. She had interest in learning that language when she was in high school; she learnt some from her friends indeed. But that was maybe 10 years ago. It’s not easy to learn a new language at her age, and yet she is confident. Tamil language is like drawing. The alphabets look almost like the pattern on fancy fences. She learnt the vocal today, tried to memorize some of them. After 4 years of relationship, he reminded that she needs to learn his language in order to move to another level. She agreed. And so she started to learn.

She will speak her 7th language very soon.
Perhaps those negativity will go away when she switch her attention to a new thing.