The Ugliest Beauty

The Ugliest Beauty

There were endless thoughts about leaving school for a new life running in my mind for this past couple of months. And I know, these thoughts will keep haunting me through the next 18 months if I decided to stay here. It is like some sort of psychological problem which is not a complete mental breakdown but somewhere in the middle of that and being normal.
Two weeks ago, a new girl came into this lab. And a day before yesterday, she left. She was small and short, I thought that she looked rather plain and usual. There was nothing special about her. Perhaps she seemed to be a little talkative but carried herself pretty well here. I did not expect her to leave because I thought that she seemed to be a quite strange, or should I say abnormal. She blended well with these abnormal people here. However, she left and left me a big question about myself. So, she was not the abnormal one all along. I was? I am? I am not ready to accept the fact that I am the abnormal one. Anyway, I might just evaporate into small particles like when the extremely cold liquid nitrogen was poured down on the floor; nothing stays because all of them evaporated.
Apart from all of that, my present goal in life is to give myself more positivity by looking for one positive thing that happen to me every day and write about it. Hopefully, I will be able to find a way out of the blue.

Solubility Test

I am stuck in the confined box, doing experiment to synthesize something called ‘polymer’. As a part of the experiment, many tests are carried out to determine the ‘product’‘s characteristic. One of the most interesting tests is the solubility test. Basically, products are put into eight small vials which are smaller than your pinky. Then, eight different solvents are added into them to see if the product dissolved. It is an easy test, but means a lot in a way. Experimentally, it indicates the solvent to use for further tests such as viscosity test and so on. Philosophically, it exposes me to more questions of life. So, what kind of polymer am I? And what is my solubility? Here, in this lab, my solubility would be like oil and water which has a clear line of separation. I am like a failed product from incorrect synthesis process, not soluble at all in any of the organic solvent. Perhaps I could be soluble in strong acid which might have more energy and potential even though acid could burn at the same time. Maybe I just need more flexibilities and risks to be soluble.
Not all the time but sometimes, I think that organic solvents are hypocritical con-artist. Since the past few years, the word ‘organic’ has become more familiar to the public as capitalist promoting it in a sophisticated way to attract more wealth. It represents health or ‘well-being’, luxury and sometimes the education level of that person who use ‘organic’. Some people misunderstand organic as a synonym of natural, but I know that organic is never going to be the same as natural. A lot of organic vegetables did not grow from the ground as it was supposed to be, some of them grew in some sort of synthetic nutritious medium. But their prices are ridiculously high. It is obviously a scam but people are too blind to see it. Natural plant cultivation will not even cost a cent! Why are you paying extra for organic? Opps…how did I get here? Anyway, what I was trying to say is that, these organic solvents are just as same as those organic food frauds and maybe that is the reason why I am not soluble in it.
Many times, I feel like I should just take the risk and jump into the acid pool. Perhaps I will find something worthwhile. Today, some kind of unexplainable feeling just struck me. It made me feel as if I am living corpse that is already dead. Suddenly reminded me to a phrase that I’ve frequently used when I was writing in Mandarin,“她活着，可是她已经死了。她死了，可是她依然活着。”Which goes like this, “She is alive, but she is already dead. She is dead, but she is still alive.” I started to doubt my existence. I am living now, breathing oxygen into my lung; but am I really alive? Some people are dead, but they lived their life to the fullest and their spirit and happiness live eternally even without the body. At this moment, I wonder will I regret for staying back in this invisible prison for the coming one and a half years. I might.
To conclude what I’ve written so far, I am definitely a compound which is can never be soluble in any hypocritical, materialistic, phony organic solvents.

Sell Piglets

People say that positivity always leads things to a brighter path and thus change one’s life in an optimistic way. Many events in history have proven that the theory of positivity is precise; however time and patient are required.
She fell into the sea of slavery while she was surfing for freedom. And she started to find slavery interesting in many ways. From ancient period in many places around the world including China, India, and Europe and etc., people are born to differentiate others. It was either the discrimination of skin color, cast, gender or wealth. The strong oppressed the weak and took away their freedom. No weaker person was given any freedom nor treated equally as a human being. We always claimed how civilized we are and be proud of it. But oppression and slavery emerged from civilization of human being. As some people thought that their wisdom grow one step ahead of others, their greed could extend to unimaginable level where they take away people’s right subconsciously. It is pride and selfishness that created the devil within human being in an invisible way. Moreover, the birth of slavery has constructed a hell on earth and it has stood strong for centuries in many lands. She remembered when she was first introduced to the concept of slavery from a Hong Kong drama; she was barely a primary school child. And it was called, “Mai Chu Zhai” in Cantonese which means “Sell Piglets”. Piglets were used to describe slaves because they do not have the value to be human. So, these “piglets” were the Chinese people who were transported in containers by ships to Nan Yang (South East Asia). These piglets came from all types of sources as debtors, debtors’ son or daughter or even wife, prisoners, and also randomly abducted victims. Many Chinese people in her country now, were the decedent of these “piglets”.
Suddenly, she understood something. She was abducted by herself in a black box and was transferred to this unknown insane world. She is a “piglet” herself. So sad but true; when is this piglet life going to end? Where is it going? She has no clue. Perhaps she has a choice… but she could not choose.

Mutation

Is this the real world? She felt like she had just entered the wrong dimension. It would be good if someone was there to pinch her or to tell her if this was real. Real world seemed to be so cruel in a sudden. Everything turned gray. Nobody around her were genuine, almost everybody including herself were somehow, not sincere. Even the person that she was more close to in the office, seemed to be going through a transition stage. Now, she started to understand more deeply about a Chinese old story which mentioned that "Meng Zhu (A famous ancient Chinese philosopher)'s mother moved three times just to get her son a good environment". It is so true that environment be a powerful influence to a person. She realized that everybody who were locked in this invisible prison, is transforming into inhumane freaks as time passed by. The longer you stayed the worse you become. The negative waves there might be worse that the radioactive residual from the Chernobyl disaster, they penetrate into one’s body like viruses that cause fatality. And like mutation, everybody there turns into some kind of monster when infected. It was all because of unnecessary stress that seniors put on juniors and this phenomenon continue from one generation to another like a cycle. Is she changing as well? No, because she still has self-consciousness.

She was fortunate to be a Buddhist. Many teachings had thought her to cope with these filthy situations and people. Even though she is just a normal human being that she gets emotional from time to time, she knew that she must not sink into the black ocean in front of her eyes. Pinch me! And wake me up from this nightmare! She thought as her eyes closed and her soul stepped into a dream world which seemed to be more real.

My vision board....

People say that if you visualized enough about what you want, you can get it. So, I made a vision board for myself... With a little bit of hope that my life will reach a good turning point.

Light from a bar

A beautiful light from "Mafia" bar in Apkujong, Seoul. Will she managed to seek that light in her life? Hopefully, yes.

Wake me up!!!

Living in paradox for a while, she should be waking up now. She should be making up her mind and proceed forward. People say you should listen to your heart and just follow your intuition. However, she is having a very hard time searching for that inner voice. Perhaps she has found, but she does not have the courage to turn right away into another path. It is time to make a decision. It is time to leave this paradox behind. It is time to wake up from all the negativity. It is time to search that little happy soul inside.