Restless night

Some nights, you could just fall into sleep as soon as you lie down on the comfy bed. Some nights, no matter how you try to sleep, you are still widely awake. That is called restless night. Many factors can cause restless night, for instance high dose of caffeine consumption, or having money problem. Tonight, I am restless because of the coffee I had, and also some other problems. As I mentioned a few days ago that I am currently working part time in a small trading company, I have no income in the last month of the year. Having no money with debts in my account due to the loan that i got from my credit card, I could not help thinking about money. I am not that kind of person who concern too much about money. I always believed that money will come itself, somehow. But having no income triggered my security and faith. People around me always wonder why am I not flying home for holiday and so on,it is because I am not financially available for that. Besides that, got a job offer but couldn't decide whether to take it or not has been really harsh on me. I don't show it but I am having a hard time thinking especially when I am kind of in the middle of jobless and part time worker with no money. Broke! If you asked me now, do I want the job? My answer would be 'Yes' if my boyfriend is continuing his job here. Or else...I am not sure. Doubts grow from a small seed into a huge tree now. I don't really know what to do and there's 8 days left before I have to decide. What should my final decision be? And will it be a wise one? I have no idea. Restless night should end now. I just had some milk and hopefully it will help me sleep. Good night.

Gaining Weight

Shocking news! I am currently 160cm and about 51 to 52 kg. Today, the scale hit 53 kg after two years. This happened after I left the horrible lab. Shit! I have to start to watch my weight. The food that I am eating. I think I had too much junk food. Gonna start taking care of myself from now. :)

Hesitationsss

Once in a while, you hear funny noises in the subway train and the whole container wabbling as if the subway was going to fall off track. Once in a while, you see some people shouting or screaming, or even giggling out load to themselves in the subway as if they've lost their mind and could not think straight. Or perhaps they lost a nerve connection that was supposed to control their sanity. Well, living in a congested unreasonable society with endless stress does push people to the limit.
Today, coming to work. Can't help thinking about what happen to the other girl who was let go by the company yesterday. Can't help wondering why is the world so cruel to some people. Can't help but keep hesitating about my decision whether to stay or to go. Full of doubts and can't make any decision.

Cause and Victim of Selfishness

Getting out from the cubicle is just another way into the other cubicle. Lied my way through graduation, escaping from tons of work that professor might ordered as long as I was there. I told everybody in the laboratory that I was going back home, in fact, i was still around. I just need to get up from that confine, horrible seat where I have to concern about other's "eye signal" which means mood.
Got a part time job in a trading company. Plan to work only for a month. Still hesitating whether to stay or leave this country. Got another job offer in a bigger company, but I do not want to spend my lonely twenties in this country. If my boyfriend was sent back home, I would definitely send myself back home. It might sound cheesy but it is for the better. Okay, this part time job is related to searching domestic products that have potential to be exported. Also, of course finding the manufacturers at the lowest cost which involves the big country China. I am only interested in cosmetic products so far. Unfortunately, I failed to enter a cosmetic company; which was a shame for them, not me. Here, in this trading company I did some research about cosmetic ingredients in the first few days with the girl who haa also just started working there for not more than two weeks. She is a matured and nice person; the only girl in the office before I entered. Well, we did not talk much but I was sure that we would be close in the coming one month I work there. Today, I came to a shock when she told me that she would not come to work tomorrow because the boss kind of told her not to. Apparently, the cosmetic products trading was not a good idea for the current business in the company. Opps! That's why he asked me to do some other stuff today. Hm... I came to realize that in this world, nothing is fair. Everybody is selfish. Many seek you when you are useful, but ditch you when you are not. Come to think about it, I was really selfish too;lying my way out from the cubicle, leaving my junior working alone. Hm... Sorry. I am so sorry.
From now on, always be cautious, do not fall into the trap of selfishness. I do not want to be a part of that evil force.

Running out of luck

Running out of luck. Had a bad morning yesterday. The "Guy in charge" refused to give me the verification stamp for my graduation thesis. He told me to come next week, merely because of his insecurity of me not wanting to work after getting the verification. What he did not notice was that I will not stay. Next week?! Fine.
Running out of luck. Before graduating, seems like North Korea decided to start a war before my graduation. Please, get real! Grow up people! Stop fighting like small kids!

Coming to an end...

Girl's from an isolated cubicle,
leaving the cubicle,
soon...


to be continue...

...

Overloaded jealousy,
claiming my love for you and yours for me.
Acting like a maniac,
tossing emotion from nowhere,
creating destructive scene,
flowing your good mood with my tears,
making sure there’s no fun without my existence.

Wrapped in jealousy and insecurity,
I’m miserable and unsociable,
I’m needy and greedy,
nobody can make me happy,
but you tried.

Blinded by my pessimistic emotions,
shouting and stomping in front of you,
losing rationality,
creating the biggest mess for you.

Invading your privacy,
like an alien invading earth,
perhaps I am abnormal,
perhaps I am pathetic,
perhaps I am just unable to be content.

And yet,
you called it a beautiful mess,
treasuring every single good about me,
tolerating every bad about me.

All I gave you was a thousand blank apologies,
for the beautiful mess I’ve made…
I wish to proceed, go forward with you.
I want to proceed, go forward with you.
I’m sorry for the beautiful mess I’ve made,
you are the only person who can understand me.