Long time no see

It's been quite sometimes since I last logged in and write something. Perhaps my life was too comfortable or maybe too busy. I lost most of my private time and personal space. I found some here and there. I found ways to get some rest or have a nice time with my boyfriend. Life still goes on as it is. Whether it is good or bad, it does not matter anymore. I'm going to enjoy every seconds of my life.:)

rough time

I guess i only write when my life is going downhill. I've always forgot about keeping a record of my life when I am on my easy way in life. I was happy to be back home for about 10 days, eventhough it was short, i think it was the happiest days in my life this year.
Bad luck started to hit on me since last Wednesday when I lost my wallet. Perhaps i shouldn't blame the luck because it was myself who was careless. I guess It was my fault entirely. And then, i got drunk in a gathering, and lost my cellphone on Thursday night. I got my phone back, but the fact that I got drunk makes me feel so bad about myself. I am not that kind of person and always hated those type of people.I feel like being away from home, my life drags me away from all the stuff that i believe. I miss home so much and I feel like quiting school and just leave this place this instance.However, I know that I am not a quiter. I am just going through a very rough time. Very rough. I wish i have somebody to talk to, but unfortunately i don't have many friends and none of my friends are here. I have to act tough in front of other people because i just don't want to seems week. I hate myself so much now eventhough i don't want to.

I guess this is for now.

Breath of a Breathless Soul

Life of a prisoner
As if I was a criminal
worst than a slave.
My mouth is sealed with thread,
by the thick needle which poke through my lips.
My voice echoing,
trying to break out from my throat.

Unreasonable commands which they forced me to abide,
unbelievable facts which they tried to make me buy,
unbreakable rules they wanted me to follow,
sucking every breath out of my soul.

Fell into this so-called higher institution,
Fell into this invisible shit hole,
Fell into the deepest point of my life,
I just hope I don’t turn out psycho.

Racist Bastard

There are so many different types of people in this world, same here within this high-class invisible jail. There are the PRETENDERs, the RACISTs, the SELF-FISHs, the FOLLOWERs and so on. The guy, who sat right behind me, is a RACIST shallow bastard who hates foreigners deep down inside his heart. Even though there are other juniors who he could refer to when asking about chemical stocks, he will not ask those with the same skin color and facial features as him but me. The thing is, he always ask with a frown on his face as if it was my entire fault that the chemical stock is out. While doing that to me, this racist bastard is super good to the other female junior who has the same race-line as he is. What a bastard! What a racist bastard!

Ordinary person

“I’m not Svante Arrhenius; I’m not a robot; I’m just an ordinary person.” It was the status of one of my labmate (senior) on the messenger today. The word ordinary suddenly reminded me to something that I’ve learned in one of my undergraduate class (western civilization), where one of the very interesting concept we discussed was about the “Ordinary Evil” by Candance Vogler. It was about the man who came up with the gassing massacre of Jewish people during the Holocaust.
Suddenly, I felt like everything around me is so unpredictable. I could not even tell what evil or good is; what ordinary or extraordinary is; what normal or abnormal is? But, are those questions even important? In Buddhism, ordinary and extraordinary are not any different from each other. Good or bad, they are the same. If I could break through this confusion of these questions, I guess I will be the freest person in the whole universe. However, I am just an ordinary person.
Good night.

The Scent of Solvent

The scent of solvent,
gushes into my nostril as I step into a place called laboratory.
The scent is invisible,
but the minute particles of solvent diffuse into my blood,
and then trigger my nervous system to inform me about the less pleasant odor.
Not only that the stench is obnoxious,
those small particles could cause damage to skin and even brain.
Solvent particles are evenly spread in the air as time pass by,
without any awareness,
they can be the invisible murderer,
that causes slow or rapid fatality.
Walking in to the lab,
into the cloud of transparent solvent,
is the same as walking into the well of death.
And yet, so many of us,
is walking into it every day.
The scent of solvent,
rushed into my nostril as I step into the well of death.
Perhaps one day I might be able to create something,
which might be beneficial to the world here.

Rainy Day in July

July 9, 2009 was a rainy day. Heavy rain poured like waterfall from the sky onto the road. Velocity of the falling rain generated energy which was strong enough to repel raindrops from the earth onto the surface of my sneakers. I wished that my sneakers were those water-proof boots, and then my socks and feet wouldn’t have gotten wet. It was uncomfortable to walk in wet shoes; I could feel water going in and out of my socks every time I lifted my foot and took a step forward.
Out in the rain, everybody looked different than usual. Some looked rather worried with their eyes frowning while they proceeded towards the destination; some looked excited as their footstep seemed lighter on that layer of rain water. Everybody around had their umbrella to protect their head from getting wet as acid rain could make your hair drop gradually. In my country, I never had that concern about hair dropping or acid rain. Perhaps it was because we were lack of awareness. I remembered myself soaking wet in the rain and refused to go under the shelter when I was in secondary school. It was after the fitness class on my school field. I could see myself running with a bunch of good friends under the rain as if we had nothing to worry about; I missed that feeling so much. I missed the taste of freedom.
I just found out on rainy days, the synthesis of some polymers do not work well since the humidity influences formation of the product. Thus, I did almost nothing today as my polymer membrane which I was supposed to use for permeability test broke. I guess I was just not good at making the test cell. I guess I was not Jack of all trades after all.
Rainy day in July, only two hours left to come to an end.

July

July
I was in Amsterdam last July, for two days. July, my favorite month of the year. It is not because July is the beginning of monsoon season in the South East Asia or the American Independence day, but because I was born in this extraordinary July in 1985. This year, I am twenty-four. It is a huge number to me, one more year to the silver birthday, one step closer to thirty and so on. I am not really afraid of getting old, I’m indeed praying so hard so that the next year passes by faster.

relief

Feeling rather odd now. This is not the feeling I was seeking for after all the hesitation in the past few months. Why am I feeling this way? Is research and master degree what I’ve desired all along? Despite all the long working hour and privacy invasion from those aliens, I actually liked what I was doing. Maybe not passionate about it, but I liked it.

I woke up an hour early today because this was supposed to be my first day at a new work place. Slightly further away, and completely different from school. I felt bad for both sides, school and the new employer because I’m currently lying to both sides in order to seek what I really want. By telling school people that I am sick, I am able to work in another place to experience the working life that I was wondering. If I dislike the workplace, I am planning to tell the other place that it was some scholarship contract that not allows me to work. In between, I am able to go home early today. Maybe I can do some shopping and other stuff that I like.

Travelling on the subway for more than an hour journey in the morning actually give me a bit of a taste of working life. I notice that there’s a clear line between school and work. Besides the long working hour, school does not require much out of you, mainly because they are not a capitalistic institution. However, companies are the opposite. Corporations are the results of capitalism.

So now, I’m at my work place. And as I step into the office, I immediately know that this is my first and last day at work. I can’t proceed here because I see no relativity with me. Here, they are doing marketing work that I thought I might like. But as I sit there, listening to their negotiation over price with the suppliers, I feel like I am the worst candidate for this job. I don’t even feel like talking to clients. The negotiation session seems to be fascinating for the manager, but to me, it is rather stressful. Maybe I should just complete my graduate school and teach in some college or high school.

Long day, Long month, and long year, as I guess my life is kind of fun when I look back. Like a maniac who strife here and there to seek herself, I ended up being on the same spot. I think I can’t work in an office and that is final.

Today, I feel relief because finally I have made up my mind to leave the options behind.

The Ugliest Beauty

The Ugliest Beauty

There were endless thoughts about leaving school for a new life running in my mind for this past couple of months. And I know, these thoughts will keep haunting me through the next 18 months if I decided to stay here. It is like some sort of psychological problem which is not a complete mental breakdown but somewhere in the middle of that and being normal.
Two weeks ago, a new girl came into this lab. And a day before yesterday, she left. She was small and short, I thought that she looked rather plain and usual. There was nothing special about her. Perhaps she seemed to be a little talkative but carried herself pretty well here. I did not expect her to leave because I thought that she seemed to be a quite strange, or should I say abnormal. She blended well with these abnormal people here. However, she left and left me a big question about myself. So, she was not the abnormal one all along. I was? I am? I am not ready to accept the fact that I am the abnormal one. Anyway, I might just evaporate into small particles like when the extremely cold liquid nitrogen was poured down on the floor; nothing stays because all of them evaporated.
Apart from all of that, my present goal in life is to give myself more positivity by looking for one positive thing that happen to me every day and write about it. Hopefully, I will be able to find a way out of the blue.

Solubility Test

I am stuck in the confined box, doing experiment to synthesize something called ‘polymer’. As a part of the experiment, many tests are carried out to determine the ‘product’‘s characteristic. One of the most interesting tests is the solubility test. Basically, products are put into eight small vials which are smaller than your pinky. Then, eight different solvents are added into them to see if the product dissolved. It is an easy test, but means a lot in a way. Experimentally, it indicates the solvent to use for further tests such as viscosity test and so on. Philosophically, it exposes me to more questions of life. So, what kind of polymer am I? And what is my solubility? Here, in this lab, my solubility would be like oil and water which has a clear line of separation. I am like a failed product from incorrect synthesis process, not soluble at all in any of the organic solvent. Perhaps I could be soluble in strong acid which might have more energy and potential even though acid could burn at the same time. Maybe I just need more flexibilities and risks to be soluble.
Not all the time but sometimes, I think that organic solvents are hypocritical con-artist. Since the past few years, the word ‘organic’ has become more familiar to the public as capitalist promoting it in a sophisticated way to attract more wealth. It represents health or ‘well-being’, luxury and sometimes the education level of that person who use ‘organic’. Some people misunderstand organic as a synonym of natural, but I know that organic is never going to be the same as natural. A lot of organic vegetables did not grow from the ground as it was supposed to be, some of them grew in some sort of synthetic nutritious medium. But their prices are ridiculously high. It is obviously a scam but people are too blind to see it. Natural plant cultivation will not even cost a cent! Why are you paying extra for organic? Opps…how did I get here? Anyway, what I was trying to say is that, these organic solvents are just as same as those organic food frauds and maybe that is the reason why I am not soluble in it.
Many times, I feel like I should just take the risk and jump into the acid pool. Perhaps I will find something worthwhile. Today, some kind of unexplainable feeling just struck me. It made me feel as if I am living corpse that is already dead. Suddenly reminded me to a phrase that I’ve frequently used when I was writing in Mandarin,“她活着，可是她已经死了。她死了，可是她依然活着。”Which goes like this, “She is alive, but she is already dead. She is dead, but she is still alive.” I started to doubt my existence. I am living now, breathing oxygen into my lung; but am I really alive? Some people are dead, but they lived their life to the fullest and their spirit and happiness live eternally even without the body. At this moment, I wonder will I regret for staying back in this invisible prison for the coming one and a half years. I might.
To conclude what I’ve written so far, I am definitely a compound which is can never be soluble in any hypocritical, materialistic, phony organic solvents.

Sell Piglets

People say that positivity always leads things to a brighter path and thus change one’s life in an optimistic way. Many events in history have proven that the theory of positivity is precise; however time and patient are required.
She fell into the sea of slavery while she was surfing for freedom. And she started to find slavery interesting in many ways. From ancient period in many places around the world including China, India, and Europe and etc., people are born to differentiate others. It was either the discrimination of skin color, cast, gender or wealth. The strong oppressed the weak and took away their freedom. No weaker person was given any freedom nor treated equally as a human being. We always claimed how civilized we are and be proud of it. But oppression and slavery emerged from civilization of human being. As some people thought that their wisdom grow one step ahead of others, their greed could extend to unimaginable level where they take away people’s right subconsciously. It is pride and selfishness that created the devil within human being in an invisible way. Moreover, the birth of slavery has constructed a hell on earth and it has stood strong for centuries in many lands. She remembered when she was first introduced to the concept of slavery from a Hong Kong drama; she was barely a primary school child. And it was called, “Mai Chu Zhai” in Cantonese which means “Sell Piglets”. Piglets were used to describe slaves because they do not have the value to be human. So, these “piglets” were the Chinese people who were transported in containers by ships to Nan Yang (South East Asia). These piglets came from all types of sources as debtors, debtors’ son or daughter or even wife, prisoners, and also randomly abducted victims. Many Chinese people in her country now, were the decedent of these “piglets”.
Suddenly, she understood something. She was abducted by herself in a black box and was transferred to this unknown insane world. She is a “piglet” herself. So sad but true; when is this piglet life going to end? Where is it going? She has no clue. Perhaps she has a choice… but she could not choose.

Mutation

Is this the real world? She felt like she had just entered the wrong dimension. It would be good if someone was there to pinch her or to tell her if this was real. Real world seemed to be so cruel in a sudden. Everything turned gray. Nobody around her were genuine, almost everybody including herself were somehow, not sincere. Even the person that she was more close to in the office, seemed to be going through a transition stage. Now, she started to understand more deeply about a Chinese old story which mentioned that "Meng Zhu (A famous ancient Chinese philosopher)'s mother moved three times just to get her son a good environment". It is so true that environment be a powerful influence to a person. She realized that everybody who were locked in this invisible prison, is transforming into inhumane freaks as time passed by. The longer you stayed the worse you become. The negative waves there might be worse that the radioactive residual from the Chernobyl disaster, they penetrate into one’s body like viruses that cause fatality. And like mutation, everybody there turns into some kind of monster when infected. It was all because of unnecessary stress that seniors put on juniors and this phenomenon continue from one generation to another like a cycle. Is she changing as well? No, because she still has self-consciousness.

She was fortunate to be a Buddhist. Many teachings had thought her to cope with these filthy situations and people. Even though she is just a normal human being that she gets emotional from time to time, she knew that she must not sink into the black ocean in front of her eyes. Pinch me! And wake me up from this nightmare! She thought as her eyes closed and her soul stepped into a dream world which seemed to be more real.

My vision board....

People say that if you visualized enough about what you want, you can get it. So, I made a vision board for myself... With a little bit of hope that my life will reach a good turning point.

Light from a bar

A beautiful light from "Mafia" bar in Apkujong, Seoul. Will she managed to seek that light in her life? Hopefully, yes.

Wake me up!!!

Living in paradox for a while, she should be waking up now. She should be making up her mind and proceed forward. People say you should listen to your heart and just follow your intuition. However, she is having a very hard time searching for that inner voice. Perhaps she has found, but she does not have the courage to turn right away into another path. It is time to make a decision. It is time to leave this paradox behind. It is time to wake up from all the negativity. It is time to search that little happy soul inside.

Friday Blues

Coming out from that cubicle, she started to do experiment today.It might sounded like a crazy scientist experiment but it was merely a simple synthesis.However, work made her feel better since it removed her attention away from the negativity in that cubicle.Somehow, every time when she feels down, he feels fine. And vice-versa. He felt that way too. It is like both of them feel the insecurity every time their partner feels good. Odd.

It is Friday but not a nice day to her because her work continues on Saturday.

Wishes for a nice weekend,
Girl from that isolated cubicle

Where is my next station?

Where is my next station?
I am lost in the middle of nowhere as I’d mentioned many times in my writings. Suddenly, two buses which head towards two different directions appear in front of me. I stop to think. If I took bus No.1, I will be going to a huge, busy city with many highly-educated nerds where I might be able to get a successful career. If I took bus No.2, I will be going to a small and quiet village where I will be married to a man who loves me more than anything. Perhaps I will run a small cozy coffee shop where I write articles and play music all day long.
Here I am, only allowed to take one bus. I will lose one of them if I took another. What is it that I want to preserve? Where is it that I want to go? Where is my next station? Still doubting.

Girl from that isolated cubicle…10th June 2009

Something from Lobster and Swan

This is originally from Lobster and Swan, I find it interesting when I accidentally bumped into that little blog nearby. So I decided to copy this and answer the questions.

“Tagged by Sofia, with a little tulle by Sofia.

What is your current obsession?
Freedom and a peaceful breathe.

What is your weirdest obsession?
To be weird.

What are you wearing today?
A blue blouse with dark blue skinny jeans.
What's for dinner?
Some Korean traditional chicken soup.

What would you eat for your last meal?
Nothing.

What's the last thing you bought?
A piece of rice-cake bread and I did not know that it was rice cake.

What are you listening to right now?
The click five, the reason why.

What is your favorite ice-cream flavour?
Honey Nut Yogurt, cold stone

What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Nobody tagged me, so…

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Maybe Amsterdam.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Amsterdam

Which language do you want to learn?
Tamil

What's your favorite quote (for now)?
It's choice, not chance, that determines your destiny. Jean Nidetch.<-- I like this one

What is your favorite colour?
Yellow

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
That Victoria secret bare back dress that I bought for my birthday last year.

What is your dream job?
A freelance writer.

What's your favourite magazine?
I don’t really read magazine, but I like fashion magazines.

If you had £100 now, what would you spend it on?
I’ll get a pair of nice shoes and eat something good with the rest of the money.

Favorite designer?
No idea. Anybody.

Do you admire any one's style?
Mine.

Describe your personal style?
Sexy lady? But I am not allow to wear mini skirt in the lab… So…

What are you going to do after this?
Go home and sleep.

What are your favourite movies?
The never ending story, The cave of the golden rose, He is just not that into you, Transformer, X-men.

What's your favourite fruit?
Pineapple

What inspires you?
People, feelings, music, surrounding.

What is on the walls in your bedroom?
Nothing, cockroaches sometimes
Your favorite book ?
The Little Price

Do you collect something ?
Feelings and thoughts.


The rules :
1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people.

No pressure but if any of you or anyone else would like to take part please do!

Kc
Laiyin
Wen
Syidah
Shiting
Sue
Tanya
Vinod

Necklace featured above from Sofia Barao's Etsy Boutique ( Copied by girl from the cubicle)

Behind the Invisible Bars

She never noticed that lavatory was such a useful and beautiful place until today. This morning, she was extremely sleepy when she sat in front of the computer in her tiny cubicle. She wished to take a nap on the desk but she knew that the law did not allow her to. So, she had some coffee. After a while, with her half-opened eyes, she went into the magical world of toilet. She sat down for a while on the toilet bowl. While she was resting her eyes, she fell asleep for a few minutes. Today, she made a new discovery about toilet. It might be the best place for her behind these invisible bars.
Time passed by quite quickly, it’s 9 in the evening when she went to the other lavatory on the opposite site. She did her stuff and came out. While she was washing her hand in the sink, a beautiful scenery right outside the little windows in the toilet caught her attention. Wow! That was the most beautiful scene to her at the moment. It was beautiful. She opened the windows and sat on the heater which was turned off for a while. That moment in the lavatory was incredibly peaceful; the smell of fresh air outside, the breeze of freedom… was what she desired.
Today, she found out that not only she’s in an unbearable grad school, she was detained in the invisible prison.

Discovery about 4th of July

4th of July is a significant date in the history of America and it is my birthday. Today, out of no where, i was surfing the net for some fortune telling stuff because of the insecurity and confusion of my life these days. And there was a link which kinda caught my eye, "366 birthday profile". One click and my profile popped up on the screen. At the end of the whole personality description, they included a small list of famous people who were born on the same date. I was curious, so I checked all of the names on wikipedia. And I discovered something! Most famous people in my list were not in engineering school! They were writers or artist! Even that guy Rube Goldberg who went to engineering school became a cartoonist eventually. Am i on the right track here???? I wonder! Maybe i should have taken the diverged path.

Exclusion and Inclusion

Exclusion and Inclusion
The world seems to be created based on the fundamental rules of inclusion and exclusion. Things that are alike or similar to each other tend to attract each other while pushing those that are different away. This is also applied in the law of attraction because every single thought or feeling you had is what placed you in your current position. Thus, she suspected that she must be similar to them in some ways that brought her here. However, she knows that their differences are much stronger.
There were times when she actually believed that she was in the inclusion package here. But she was very wrong. She has tried to find a way to fit in and it seemed like she was on the right track but she was actually just giving in what so ever she can. Every society or organization or group has their inclusion and exclusion conditions. You’ve got to fulfill all those conditions in order to get into the list. Here, are the terms to be in the ‘inclusion list’ here.
1. Stop your own thinking and abide every single command from your seniors.
2. Do not ask, just do it as you were told.
3. Sacrifice your 101% of private time and privacy.
4. Work as many hours as you can and sleep as least as you can.
5. Do not leave office before your seniors do.
6. Do not ask for your human rights.
7. Smile and nod even if you disagree with what they mentioned.
8. Buy their hypocritical crap and make that look real.
9. ………………………………….
Being an exclusion from an organization that you basically live with more than 12 hours a day does not make things any better. And so, this innocent little girl tries so hard to fit in. Nevertheless, she has not really fulfilled any of the above conditions and hence there is no way for her to be in the inclusion list. Suddenly she feels like she is just a girl in an isolated cubicle, trying to give in everything she can to be in the inclusion list without knowing why she is stuck in this obsession. However, tolerate from every single aspects does not seem like a good choice either. It is like betraying your own principle of life, just to be on some stupid list.
She has been excluded in this isolated little confined space for more than 5 months now. She knows that this is not going to last forever. The longest period would be two years and the shortest would be anytime after she decided to bounce. So the question that arises in her head now is that, if she leaves this place, will she be able to find a place that genuinely includes her? Being exclusion is too fatiguing but at the same time faking herself to be included does not make her feel any better.

Learning the 7th language, good start!

Girl from that small cubicle is writing again. Today, she was planning to resign from her job. However, his word smacked her in the face; made her feel like the biggest coward in the world. She might sound dumb when she kept quiet instead of fighting back, but she did not want to be rude to anyone. She believed what goes around comes around and thus she did not want any bad thing to strike back. Maybe she thought too far and hesitated too much, it was that stuff that held her back. Maybe… So, she stayed again, just for another week. By weekend, she will be meeting the boss of that part time job introduced by a senior. Then, she will decide again. Her life is somehow miserable but yet interesting.

Today, she decided to learn the seventh language, which is the language that her boyfriend speaks, Tamil. Her mother tongue is Mandarin even though she is not from China, and so is he. He is not from India either, but he is Tamil. She had interest in learning that language when she was in high school; she learnt some from her friends indeed. But that was maybe 10 years ago. It’s not easy to learn a new language at her age, and yet she is confident. Tamil language is like drawing. The alphabets look almost like the pattern on fancy fences. She learnt the vocal today, tried to memorize some of them. After 4 years of relationship, he reminded that she needs to learn his language in order to move to another level. She agreed. And so she started to learn.

She will speak her 7th language very soon.
Perhaps those negativity will go away when she switch her attention to a new thing.

Blind

I do not know my sin in the past but present gives me a lot of sign about it. I was just about to adjust my thinking about “them”; again they make me feel like a fool. It was a story from another cubicle, or a box. I go to this so-called World Class University. And the laboratory that I’m working in is the most conservative place ever. It is not the professors who are conservative, it is the students. Besides me, there are other foreigner students here since it is supposed to be international. So, there’s a post-doctorate student from India. He is a guy who tries to invent and modify chemical product to write good papers in order to get a good job in his country. However, because of his differences that he was discriminated. They ignored him, talked bad about him. Just a while ago that the stupid lab-head was complaining that about the huge amount of money that Indian guy get for doing nothing. Well, I personally think that this discrimination or oppression or whatever you want to call it, is caused that guy’s skin color as well. Oh my god!!! Why are they so shallow? Why they are so ugly? Ugly from inside out. Why don’t they look into the mirror???

Another story from the cubicle

It has been exactly ten days since my last post. And it’s going to be June in another 2 days. The strangest thing is that, I am still here, in this small cubicle. Hesitation is still luring around, nothing has changed so far; neither their thinking, nor mine. One thing that has changed would be me, who has started to give in and tolerate while wondering if that is enough for me to survive here. Pushing me to take everything positive is definitely hard but I do not seem to have a choice if I am going to be here for the next 2 years. I know that I am certainly doing my best to proceed with improvements and I know that I’m no weaker or stronger than anybody else here. Everybody has potential and talents; whether or not they are discovered, they are there. I am sure that I can be success anywhere I go; I just don’t see the point of suffering or going through this oppression to get there.

Being unhappily fake is not my life, it is not me at all. I am not an actress even if the whole world is acting. Even if I have acted, nobody would believe that.

Anyhow,I hope things would be better and I’m thankful for each day of my survival and I’m thankful to everyone who has taught me a lesson in life.

Prajna Paramita Hrdaya Sutram

Aryalokiteshvara Bodhisattva gambhiram Prajna Paramita caryam caramano,

vyavalokiti sma panca-skanda asatta sca svabhava sunyam pasyati sma.

Iha Sariputra, rupam sunyam, sunyata lva rupam,

rupa na vrtta sunyata. Sunyataya na vrtta sa-rupam,

yad rupam sa-sunyata, yad sunyata sa-rupam.

Evam eva vedana, samjna, sam-skara vijnanam.

Iha sariputra, sarva dharma sunyata laksana.

Anutpanna, aniruddha, amala, a-vimala, anuna a-paripurna.

Tasmat Sariputra, sunyatayam na rupam.

na vedana, na samjna, na sam-skara, na vijnanam.

na caksu, srotra, ghrana, jihva kaya, manasa.

na rupam, sabda, ghandha, rasa, sparstavya, dharma.

Na caksur-dhatu, yavat na manovijnanam-dhatu

Na avidya, na avidya ksayo,

yavat na jara-maranam, na jara-marana ksayo.

Na dukha, samudaya, nirodha, marga.

na jnana, na prapti, na abhi-samaya.

Tasmat na prapti tva Bodhisattvanam,

prajna-paramitam a-sritya vi-haratya citta avarana,

citta avarana na sthitva, na trasto.

vi-paryasa ati-kranta nistha nirvanam.

Try-adhva vyavasthita sarva Buddha Prajna-Paramitam

A-sritya Annutara-Samyak-Sambodhim, Abhi-sambuddha.

Tasmat, jnatavyam Prajna-Paramita Maha-Mantra,

Maha-vidya Mantra, Anuttara Mantra, asama-samati Mantra.

sarva duhkha pra-samana satyam amithyatva.

Prajna Paramita mukha Mantra

Tadyatha, Gate Gate Para-gate Para-samgate Bodhi Svaha

Story from a cubicle

I know that I do not belong here, in this confined space. My cubicle is merely a space for a person to sit where his or her chest is in contact with the table. If I stand up at the same time with the person who sits behind me, our chair will hit and there will be no space to move at all. Narrow space, but open heart. That is what I desired. However, it is so hard to be that way. Today, the guy from my batch who sits next to me asked for a week of holiday because he hurt his leg and needed some treatment. Even though he does not show his diligence and honesty in the past, I thought it was inappropriate for them to immediately judge him in a negative way. If he had lied, he will be punished naturally. Why concern so much and critique so much? Why not shifting all the attention to the work that they are supposed to handle instead of suspecting people’s honesty and so on? It was somehow frightening when the head of my lab command us to put his stuff away. I do not want to be in that position. At that moment, I just feel like leaving this horrible place. Frankly speaking, what is it so precious that I have to give up my life and to get from here? Is it experience of slavery? Or hell? I tried to convince myself many times that if I can be positive, then I can survive here. But now, I do not think I want to stay here anymore. Maybe I owe them in my past life, then I shall apologize in hope that they would forgive me. I pray for them to be happy. I do not want to be another person who brings them misery. I do not want to be the reason to their frustration. And I do not want to be frustrated too. I just wish everything will be good for them when I finally step out from this door. I hope that they would realize how miserable their life is and change. Maybe they do not sense my desire to leave, but I am leaving. A wonderful life is waiting for me.

Watermelon

It is quite funny when you listen to their conversation. Sometimes, they are just too proud of their own race and nation. Every now and then, they speak about their country. They mention their country for at least 30 times a day.Yesterday night, while we were having watermelon, the big girl was telling about how good and big their country’s watermelon is. She said that no people from other places in the world enjoy watermelon more than they do. It was a shock to me because I’ve grown watermelon to eat in the tropical country where I come from. Out of interest, I sought the history of watermelon on the internet and the fact is that their country is not even one of the producers for watermelon. Watermelon is believed to be originated from Africa and firstly recorded about 5000 years ago in Egypt. World producers for this beautiful fruit are Turkey, China, Brazil, Iran and United States where the climate is tropical. I have no idea where she got that twisted fact about watermelon from their country. Well, can’t really blame their patriotism spirit.
Anyway, one of the interesting facts that I found about watermelon is that it has Viagra effect. Remarkable huh?

All that I'm hoping for today is time goes fast

One more day

One thing that I understand today is that human body has a limit. My mission today was to become a cleaner and I cleaned up almost 5 laboratory and an offices with another two girls. Some other people helped from time to time, but it was a task for the three girls from the lab which including me. Around nine, I tried to study a little. However, my body was too tired and my brain could not function at all. And then they bought some watermelon as supper. I had two small pieces and I totally regret because I feel like vomiting now at 10.13 pm. I’m still stuck in this little cubicle even though I’m desperate to go home and rest. I definitely hope for a change. All that I hope for is a ticket for me out of this situation soon.

Hesitation

Some people hesitates every single step they take. Some just follows their heart. Hesitation consists of fear, rationality, and selfishness. Hesitation makes people fear. Fear about losing this or that. Fear about not getting what they seek. Fear about hurting others. Fear about hurting themselves. Rationality is indefinable when you have a thousand questions running in your head that makes you hesitate. I doubt that rationality even exist when you are placed in a position to choose in confusion. I’ve chosen, but I will have to choose again. It’s all started from one simple thing, dissatisfaction.

There are too many choices to make in life, countless. Small or big, it is still a challenge. People make decision in confusion in many cases. That is why hesitations appear when it comes to choosing. Hesitation is merely a product of confusion. And, confusion is the product of dissatisfaction.

I’m stuck in this dilemma of confusion for more than 4 months now. Sometimes when the day is calm, I feel alright to stay in this unbearable grad school. However, during the bad days, I just feel like walking out of this door and never come back. Perhaps one of the reasons why I’m still stuck here is that I don’t know what I want. I need somebody to tell me what I want. Maybe things that I want are just plain and simple. I want to be a writer? Yes, that is my dream. But why am I still wavering here? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m scare of losing direction. Even though what I am doing now is not what I’m into, but it has a direction in life. I can probably get a better job in the future, in that field. However, come back to the same point again, is that what I want?

I used to be a very good counselor to my friends. It is because when you are an outsider of a situation, you can say whatever you think is right to do because you are not the one who has to take actions. Unfortunately, I’m now in the situation where I have to take the responsible for every action I take. One minute I think that I should leave school to work and the next minute I think I should stay for the sake of stability. There’s so much to think about. What if I regret for dropping out? What if I regret for not dropping out? One thing I know for sure is that I see myself happier off working as a part time translator than going to grad school. But I hesitate because of the future. What is it gonna be like?

So here I am, writing again and again on the same topic for the past 4 months. Will there be an answer today? Will this topic end here? Suddenly I remember one thing my friend said,"Sometimes when you keep thinking about the future, you forgot to live the present. It is present that is important but many have forgotten about that."

When will this hesitation end? Will it end here?

freedom of speech

I’ve decided. To tell him how I feel. The thing is, I’m totally depressed working in this unreasonable lab. I needed to do this because I’ve been lost for quite sometimes wondering why I am being enslaved and oppressed while I merely came for education. I have been complaining a lot as I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when I see my friends and talk to my family. I am like the negativity magnet that only attracts negative stuff. Living a life which is not even a life keeps hitting me like the unexpected tsunami that drowns my brain. Every day I feel like I’m one step nearer to mental break down as the stress is bursting into my bloodstream.
I spoke finally. I decided to fight for the freedom of speech. Nobody dares to speak a word because they are junior. Seniors behave like uncivilized dictator who claims their right on everybody below them. Juniors are slaves. Or should I say modern slaves. I could not stand it any longer, thus I decided to speak. I spoke to him, hoping for a very small change. Even though he kept emphasizing about the culture and system; even though he kept bragging and being proud of their management style; I tried to make my stand. I hope that he agrees with 1% of what I’ve spoken.
Individualism, privacy should not be invaded. I should have the right to speak, to protect myself. I will keep on fighting. I cannot give up my life for this because it is not necessary. I cannot give in anymore because it is unreasonable. Change for the good, not for oppression. I wish they can see some sense in my speech of freedom. I wish they can be more open-minded. I wish.

Unreasonable reason and reasonable nonsense

There was a time when I decided to do what I called The Positive Experiment when I was in my last semester of undergraduate school. However, a glimpse at my writing reveals all the negativity that I had from the bottom of my heart. And then, I realized that my present surrounding was created by all the negativity that I had about school and exams back then. Many people hated school without any intention to precede their study. I hated it too. But perhaps back then I did say something that goes like this,” I would rather study than work because I think studying is much easier.” That is the one error brain wave that I’ve sent to the universe and in return, I am stuck here in an unreasonable grad school.

If there is one thing that I like about here, I would say that it is their passion towards work. And if there’s one thing that I really dislike about here, I would have no doubt that it is their stubbornness to their backward and unreasonable culture. I am not supposed to be writing another page of my grudge to my situation now…. So, in short, here, unreasonable reason still stand strong while reasonable nonsense has no right to appear at all.

blind

It is like a thunder in the rain when they scolded him for his inappropriate behavior. You know that the thunder will come, but you don't know when.When it strikes, it strikes hard. Nonetheless, who gives them the right to judge and punish? Is it god? I don't know. He did something wrong that I would have done. I do not completely agree that his behavior is incorrect. And I would not say that it is correct either,because i am not here to judge. Look at yourself in the mirror before you judge. Things happen for a reason. The way he behaved is provoked by them, by them, by them. And yet they do not know...A good leader knows. A good organization changes. A smart person play the game. The stupid ones just follow. I don't know which is I, and i do not hope i am one of them.

"Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha,
Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha,
Tayatha Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha."

Gone, Gone, Gone beyond, gone utterly beyond. Oh, what an Awakening!

Unexplainable existance is suspicious.
Unexplainable existance is confusing.
Unexplainable but urging us to seek for explaination.
Unexplainable but still exist.
Unexplainable but provoking the fire in the heart.
.....What am I going after?.....
Unexplainable,why not just let go?
Let go and you will be awake.
Awake when you fall asleep.
Awake from the longest dream.

Today, I entered BlogSpot. Thought of writing something, thought of writing about my feelings but suddenly my mind went blank. I don't know if that is what we called calm because I still have a lot of troubling thoughts. I don't know why but I've been listening to the Buddhist Chanting songs nowadays. It seems to calm me down a lot somehow. The songs are like the most beautiful thing in the world. I almost burst into tears without any reason. I just feel so moved and so stupid at the same time. Sometimes I wonder why am I still lingering around this materialistic and yet unreal world. Why am I so caught up by so much of unnecessary feelings which are merely illusions? Why are people so blind to see their own stain but keep seeing other's? Some people just blindly follow what others do without questioning. Is that right or wrong? I feel the guilt as I do things against what I am supposed to. I feel the guilt when I feel greedy, when I am self-fish, when I am in love… I know everything will end up being nothing… and yet I’m chasing after it…without a clue. I feel like a sinful and thoughtless human being sometimes, because I’m stuck.

The beauty of spontaneity

The beauty of being spontaneous is that you will never know what’s next.
Surprises will always be there.
Your life will be as if you are sailing in the middle of nowhere, just keeping your head up to see what’s ahead.
Curiosity will take you to another level.
Inquisitiveness will show you some uniqueness.
Without any plan, you will get nothing but colorful and priceless experiences.
Do it because you are young and energetic.
Or do it because you are old and free.
Be spontaneous once in a while and paint a beautiful portrait out of your life.
Get out from this unchanging lifestyle.
Remember that you can be merely an actor or actress, or you can be the director of your movie. It is just the matter of choice
Everybody can do it, as long as your will is there.

Am I superhero?or coward?

Feels like I’ve taken one step deeper into the slump every day.
Feels like I’ve sold myself to the slavery syndicate.
Stress has penetrated throughout my body. It is eating up each beautiful and innocent cell inside me. I feel like I’m mentally ill, somehow depressed.
Feels like taking one step backward.
Feels like turning back time, to the junction where I made the mistake, and choose again.
Feels like taking it to the extreme, and just leave.
Feels like the main character in some superhero movies where they were cowardly living a discriminated life previously and suddenly obtained the superpower. Are all those movies a metaphor to real life? Maybe I should get out and become a superhero. Maybe I should just stay and be a coward. Confusion flooded in my brain again.
…….take one day and think about it.
…….stop all those doubts and hesitations.
…….do what your heart tells you to.

Earth hour

http://www.earthhour.org/home/

Support earth hour. Turn off your electrical devices and other electricity based stuff and sleep for an hour. Conserve energy! Save the earth!!!

One happy thought can make you fly

Spinning the wheel of memory, I felt like a kid again when I sat on a swing and started to fling myself as high as possible. Wow! That was almost twenty years ago when I first sitting on a swing feeling innocently happy. I was about three or four at that time, and I lived near the beach. I love walking by the beach and just running into the sea. Looking at the sea and smelling the salty scent of it used to make me feel like flying. And I used to envy the fishes because they get to live in the sea. But now, come to think about it, I wouldn’t want to become a fish.
People used to be happy with just a candy when they were kids. However, the innocent fades away as time passes by. Like in the little prince, we lost our imagination as our innocent disappears. Happiness is merely a nanometer away from you. All you need is one happy thought! Then you can fly! Like Peter Pans. Look at the smirk on your face! You are happy deep down inside!

Empty

Walked in vain.
Doubting my own existance.
Wondering what am I looking for.
It's empty.

I know that I am trapped,
in this materialistic realm,
in this so-called fame,
and I know it.

Why can't I escape?
Why am I still hesitating?
What is pulling me back?
Why am I stuck here?
Or am I?

I wish I could leave all these behind,
fly to that undiscovered piece of land,
get away from all the meaningless rat race,
and live...
But I'm afraid.

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

"Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day"


The most rightous lyrics I've ever heard...

Hesitation

Hesitation

I hesitate, and hesitation will keep on lingering around for a while.
Is it because I haven’t proceeded forward?
Or is it because I have proceeded, but into the wrong path.

I heard you say that there is no right or wrong,
I think so too.
Contradiction keeps on hanging around,
as my intuition tells me to go for something extreme and crazy;
while my rationality is telling me to stay.

I heard you say that I should listen to my heart,
And now I wonder which thoughts come from my heart.

Hesitate…

home sweet home

I left my room at 4.30a.m on 13 February 2009. I got up at four and it was the first time that I realized the scent in that room. I realized it because I'm leaving it again. And this leaving, is probably a slightly unwilling one. I could not sleep well two days before the day I had to leave. On February 13, I indeed was very tired. I felt like the first time when I left home five and a half years ago. So many thoughts were messing with my mind. The fact that I had to make a choice in this junction of life has been driving me crazy all these while. I came home intended to calm my mind and soul. And I did. However, the answer to my life was still in vain. I'm 23 years old and I'm walking on the same path I did when I was 18. I doubt that I've grown even a little. As I walked out from the room, I took a deep breath so that I would not forget the scent of my room. The one I've been sleeping in since I was eleven.

13 February 2008, I was working in Woori Bank as an intern. I was happy because I was just an intern and there were no stress at all. I had plenty of nice people working around me, and some internship friends who were there to have coffee with me when I'm bored. My boyfriend was away, back home in Malaysia at that time. On the other hand, I was missing Chinese New Year at home because of the Internship. Even though I had to spend Valentine's Day alone, I still felt fine because there were nothing for me to worry about.

Summer, 2008. I made an irrational decision. I decided to go home for more than 2 months because of homesick. Many people had strived looking for internships and jobs and I, just happened to settle on spending my peaceful summer at home. I fought with my boyfriend because of this for a while. But he finally gave up quarrelling with me as I was a stubborn as an ox. Yes, I had a very nice summer at home while I missed out all the chances of getting a job. Moreover, I was so confident that I would be easily employed if I try applying during the winter vacation. However, it seemed like fate is playing an unpredictable game as the economy has just plunged into the deepest when I started looking for a job. Good job! Now you lost your opportunity of getting a job because no company could afford to hire anybody now.
January 27, 2009. I went to the airport alone, heading home to Malaysia for Chinese New Year holiday. My mom was eagerly expecting me to come home while I was too, very excited to go back. However, leaving my boyfriend alone in the City of Stress again, made me feel bad a little. Home, and my boyfriend; I wished I could have both at the same time. As I took off from Seoul, I felt the stress was lifting up from my shoulder. It had been 6 months since I felt this light again. On the journey home, I was so keyed up but at the same time missing somebody who is always there for me in the City of Stress. I guessed life would always be paradoxical.
14 February 2009. Valentine’s Day had passed by as we had a small barbeque party with some close friends.
16 February 2009. I was supposed to go to the lab today, but I decided not to since I have some other stuff to take care of. I wonder if life in graduate school would be a waste of my time, or would it be an experiencing one? I just hope that I would be happy there. I sincerely hope that I would be…

Hong Kong

Transiting in Hong Kong for the third time on my way back to Malaysia. I went home last summer, about 6 months ago.I'm going back again.This time is for the Chinese new year. Maybe this will be the only trip in the next two years. Maybe. Well, i was supposed to use the internet within 15 minutes. So, i'm gonna go now.

Yishee from Hong Kong Airport

Today is a gift, that's why they call it present

Today, I woke up at seven in the morning and couldn't sleep back. So, while I was browsing on my blog, I came across a story that I wrote 4 years ago. The funny thing is, I could not even remember what I wrote. I read it as if it was written by someone else. Wow, did I write a love story? Which part of my brain imagined that? I have no idea. And the story was written in Mandarin. I could not believe that my written Mandarin was that good. The story is like a forgotten city or something. And it seems like I've forgotten a lot about myself. Sound sad isn't it?

Once in a while I write something. And every time I write, I feel like I am looking for my old self. The lost me. Travelling through the story that I wrote was like a journey to my past. No doubt that time only move forward. But people tend to turn around a look backward because they miss something in the pass. Many had imagined about time machine that allows us to go back in time. I really wish there’s a time machine too. Well, I actually think that it is possible. Just look at the airplane. That is one hilarious imagination back in the days. If there is time machine, I want to go back to primary school. Or secondary school maybe. I don’t know. Or maybe, instead of waiting for the time machine, I should just move forward like time. I should treasure present. Like the turtle in Kung Fu Panda mentioned, “Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it present.” It seems like we are all gifted to live to see today.

Today, I feel lucky. I just settled my air ticket. It is just the right route that I wanted, which will be stopping in Kuala Lumpur when I arrived and will be departing from Penang when I leave Malaysia. With more to that, it is ten bucks cheaper. Wonderful! This means I have an extra ten bucks to eat and buy stuff. Hehe. I guess I’m just a crazy girl who always thinks that she’s the luckiest person in the world. As long as it light up my day, I will believe that luck is always by my side.

We are all gifted to see today.

Freak out!

I was always confident and so sure about my "good luck". And I was, lucky most of the time. Even now, I should consider myself lucky to have a place in grad school even though I did not get a job. Some people don't even have that back-up plan. They just flow, like water. They take whatever comes to them. Actually, it is the same to me. I take whatever comes to me.

I was supposed to go start my training in grad school already. But I haven't started yet. Now, I'm so freak out because the day I'm going to grad school is drawing closer and closer. Maybe it's because I'm scare to stay in school for more than twelve hours a day. And probably, I’m freaked out because of the Korean seniority culture. That's the whole reason why I'm still not going to the lab. I’m freaked out! I have never felt so freaked out and vulnerable before. I was always sure about what is right for me. I always tell myself that there is nothing to feel regret about because any choice could be the best choice. However, as I grow older, my confidence slumps. Can I cope with all these smart ass stuff? Or will I turn into one of the people who thought they were smart ass?

I used to think that people who has higher education qualification is smarter. Somehow, I realized that I've misjudged them. In fact, many of them misjudge themselves. They think that they are better than those who do not go to higher institution. That is what they think. And I'm not saying that all of them are like that, but majority. Some people really have the brain. But some does not have what it takes. Some smart people choose not to waste time studying because they are ready for the job. Or perhaps they have other reasons like financial problem and so on. All these stuff makes me think alot these days.Plus, there is one question that kept spinning in my head,giving me headaches. “Do you think that you have what it takes?”.Well, I doubt. That’s why I’m so freak out.

Well, I mentioned that I was always lucky. Somehow, I guess I should restate this. I was not always lucky but I’ve always felt lucky. In the year I was born, 1985, a huge economy crisis struck the world. In year 1997, when I was going to secondary school, another great depression hits us. And now, year 2009, when I finally finished my studies, another economy slump came in like the unexpected tsunami. It’s like in every single turning point in my life; the economy will go through a series of downfall. Perhaps all these while, what blessed me was not my luck. It was my effort? Haha! Now I sound like a hypocritical smart ass.

What is smart anyway? How can we measure smartness? By IQ test? Or by the money that they can earn? Well, who cares?

Currently, I’m still freak out. So I try to watch something funny at www.effinfunny.com to get rid of my negative thought. I’m kind of a believer of “THE SECRET”.I should always keep myself positive because that's the best I can do to keep myself away from the blue. I think I should thank every single thing that happens to me. Sometimes, a critic can make you feel like you’ve lost the whole world. But a slight adjustment on the angle you look at the critic can flip the whole negativity upside down. You should feel thankful to the person who actually scolded or criticized you (no matter what his or her intention was), because you learn from critics and grow as long as you live. So, I would like to thank everybody who actually tries to make me feel bad about myself and everybody who had good intention to correct me.

Why do I live?

Have you ever felt like you slipped out from your own league and kind of wander off from your own dream? Have you ever felt like a loser who does not do anything right?
When I was little, my dream was so simple and happy. I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to write story, about people, about dream, and about myself. I would be so happy every time when my essays were published on the school magazine. That happiness seems to be priceless. It was purely a warm feeling that came from the bottom of my heart. I couldn’t fully appreciate that simplest, and yet purest happiness at that time because I did not understand or know anything about sadness. All I knew about unhappiness was that I felt awful and I cried every time that bad feeling struck me. Happiness and sadness were only smile and tear to me, nothing more.
As I grew up, I started to lose sight on my dream. Dream to become a writer. I used to see myself sitting down in a quiet café, writing while observing people around me. That picture was vivid in my head. But slowly, as my innocent was taken away, the writer image in my head faded away as well. Suddenly, I realized that I was living in reality that my envy and greed created. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I earn a few bucks to have my article published. I could not remember the smile that I used to have when I was eating the most wonderful meals my mother prepared. Even the slightest shadow of happiness could not be found in me. Now, every single bit of happiness I have, comes with some sadness. Maybe, it is to contrast and reflect the wonderfulness of being happy. Or maybe, pure happiness does not exist. Everything has two sides, to contrast each other.
When I looked into the eyes of a child, I saw one thing that no one can take away from him- innocent. Often, they smile because they feel good. Children are honest. When I looked at my own reflection, my smile was not as pure as a child anymore. I noticed that even I, could not differentiate if that smile was real or not. But then, what kind of smile am I looking for? Even I do not have an answer.
Do you believe in god? I’m a Buddhist. And I believe in Karma and Dharma. I believe in Amitabha, who has created a path to happiness for us, and every creature. I praise Buddha for His bravery to let go of power and wealth to pursue enlightenment. I believe that there is a little Buddha deep inside me, and there is an Amitabha deep inside my soul. Nevertheless, I seem to be caught up in materialistic world that both prophets have given up. Is it because I’m just a human being? Or is it because of my Karma? Or is it because of myself?
My mom told me that I can the director of my own movie if I want to. Or, I can be merely an actor who acts what he or she was told. Certainly, I want to be a director. But, it is not as simple as it seems to be. Even though I told myself to direct the movie, I am still trapped in hesitation. I wonder why I hesitate. I wonder why I let those petty little things get to me. Happiness is just right in front of my eyes. I could grab it if I let go of the material world that I was sinking into. I could grab it if I stop letting my negative thoughts spread all over my brain. I could grab it if I was not scared of losing anything in this realm of my own imagination and greed. And yet, I was stuck.
Five years ago, I was just a happy girl with some dream of living aboard. And my dream came true. However, I was not aware that because of this desire, I was giving up my simplest dream as a price. And I forgot, about writing. As time passed by, I started to envy people who have gone so far in the field that I was studying subconsciously. Deep down inside, I pledged to become one of them because I wanted to beat others. That was where things went wrong. My greed started to develop and my original dream was buried in its grave. My dream died. Until today that I noticed, going after the feeling of winning or beating other people was not what I wanted. That did not make me any happier. In fact, it brought grieves to people that I beat; and disappointment to me when I was beaten. So, what exactly is happiness? Is pursuing my writer dream going to bring me happiness? Or is living without dream the right path? Live with content, is that happiness? Maybe. I could not be sure.
When I watched the famous documentary entitled “The Secret”, I believed it. I think I still believe in it today. We are what our thought manifest is the truest fact that I can never agree more. Sometimes, even if you know that law of attraction which is similar to Karma and Dharma is working in every moment of your life, it is just not easy to control your thoughts and feelings. Music does get me out from the blue from time to time, exercises too. But sometimes negativities still gets to you. Some say feelings are just an illusion and creation that trapped you in the material world. There are no feelings really. Happiness is there because sadness is. They are just the flipped side of each other. Just like you, and your reflection in the mirror. If you don’t exist, your reflection too, will not exist. Thus, to get rid of sadness, we should not feel happy. Because through this way, we will not know what is sadness if it has nothing to be compared with. So, is the ultimate answer letting go of your feelings? Wait a minute, I was searching for happiness. If I let go of my feelings, then what is my quest in life? What do I pursue? Nothing? Then why do I live?

Y.S Chan
14 January 2009